Homespun Headlines

Sunday Funnies

2012-01-28T18:22:00.002-07:00

Cowboy Poetry

Jake, the rancher, went one day
To fix a distant fence.
The wind was cold and gusty
And the clouds rolled gray and dense.

As he pounded the last staples in
And gathered tools to go,
The temperature had fallen,
The wind and snow began to blow.

When he finally reached his pickup,
He felt a heavy heart.
From the sound of that ignition
He knew it wouldn't start.

So Jake did what most of us
Would do if we had been there.
He humbly bowed his balding head
And sent aloft a prayer.

As he turned the key for the last time,
He softly cursed his luck
They found him three days later,
Frozen stiff in that old truck.

Now Jake had been around in life
And done his share of roaming.
But when he saw Heaven, he was shocked --
It looked just like Wyoming !

Of all the saints in Heaven,
His favorite was St. Peter ...

So they sat and talked a minute or two,
Or maybe it was three.
Nobody was keeping' score --
In Heaven, time is free.

'I've always heard,' Jake said to Pete ,
'that God will answer prayer,
But one time I asked for help,
Well, He just plain wasn't there.'

'Does God answer prayers of some,
And ignore the prayers of others?
That don't seem exactly square --
I know all men are brothers.''

Or does He randomly reply,
Without good rhyme or reason?
Maybe, it's the time of day,
The weather or the season.

''Now I ain't trying to act smart,
It's just the way I feel.
And I was wondering', could you tell me --
What the heck's the deal?!'

Peter listened very patiently
And when Jake was done,
There were smiles of recognition,
And he said, 'So, you're the one!!'

That day your truck, it wouldn't start,
And you sent your prayer a flying,
You gave us all a real bad time,
With hundreds of us trying.''

A thousand angels rushed,
To check the status of your file,
But you know, Jake , we hadn't heard
From you in quite a long while.''

And though all prayers are answered,
And God ain't got no quota,
He didn't recognize your voice,
And started a truck in Minnesota'

BETTER KEEP IN TOUCH

Sunday Funnies

2012-01-14T12:39:00.002-07:00

A bus on a busy street struck a Catholic man. He was lying near death on the sidewalk as a crowd gathered.

"A priest. Somebody get me a priest!" the man gasped. Long seconds dragged on but no one stepped out of the crowd. A policeman checked the crowd and finally yelled, "A PRIEST, PLEASE! Isn't there a priest in this crowd to give this man his last rites?"

Finally, out of the crowd stepped a little old Jewish man in his 80s. "Mr. Policeman," said the man, "I'm not a priest. I'm not even a Christian, but for 50 years now, I'm living behind the Catholic Church on Second Avenue, and every night I'm overhearing their services. I can recall a lot of it, and maybe I can be of some comfort to this poor man."

The policeman agreed, and cleared the crowd so the man could get through to where the injured man lay. The old Jewish man knelt down, leaned over the man and said in a solemn voice: B-5.... I-19 ... N-38 ... G-54.... O-72

(Thanks to Cliff)

Adventures at the Home - The Prayer Box

2011-12-17T15:17:00.013-07:00

My cooking group at the nursing home recently celebrated Christmas. I took in a Christmas cake and egg nog at the suggestion of one of my assistants. It was a good suggestion – everyone loves cake and eggnog.

When everyone was served I started talking about Christmas traditions. I told them about our family traditions and the tradition Santa Claus started in our cul-de-sac. I them asked them to share their family traditions. There were about forty people and to my amazement many of them started talking. The assistant activity director came into the room and asked me, “How do you get them talking like that?”

“I ask them a question” was all I could come up with.

We heard about many time honored traditions. Then one of the residents said, “Jesus is the reason for the season." Another added, “Jesus Christ is why we have Christmas.” And yet another chimed in, “It’s Christmas, Ralph. It’s not the Holiday season.” The door had been opened and I stepped through the threshold. “That’s right.” I said, “and we must never forget that fact.”

I told them about the birth of Christ in the manger and many of the residents added in things – good things, meaningful things. Then I said, “Maybe it is just me but it seems a little odd that on the first Christmas the only one to receive gifts was Jesus. Jesus received gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh. No one else got presents. Mary didn’t get any. Joseph didn’t get any. For sure the inn keeper didn’t get any presents. Just Jesus. Yet today we feel we have to buy for everyone we know. Why is that?”

The room erupted in chatter again.

Then I continued, “But the Christmas story doesn’t end there. Thirty-three years later that little baby, Jesus, was a grown man who was crucified on the cross. There were no presents. Mary received no presents, the Roman guards received no presents, and Jesus received no presents.

No one was talking now.

Everything appeared to be okay so I continued, “Three days later God gave His gift to me, to you, and to the world. Mary Magdalene and a few other women walked to the tomb of Jesus only to find it EMPTY! God had given us the perfect gift, a gift no value could be placed on. The only perfect gift that has ever existed. So why do we search every year for the ‘perfect gift’? I don’t know. We already have it.”

Then I pulled out a one inch box designed to be a Christmas ornament and hung on the tree. I told the residents we could start our own tradition and transform that ornament into something more - a prayer box. I told them the box was bright and shiny, which represented the star the night Jesus was born. I showed them how the bow on top could become a cross with just a slight tug. Then I said, “But most importantly the box is empty. Do not open it. There is nothing inside – just like the tomb on Easter morning.” And with that I gave them each a prayer box.

I then asked them not to place it on the Christmas tree but rather to put it on their bulletin board, their nightstand, their window sill, anywhere they would see it daily and be reminded to pray.

One resident asked me, “How many prayers can this box hold?”

“None,” I replied. “All our prayers go straight to God. This box is to remind us to pray and the value of prayer.”

Several residents looked at me and smiled.

Then, one lady said in a very sincere and calm voice, “Praise Jesus.” Many residents nodded their head in agreement.

At the end of class a few nurses and other employees who had been listening from the back of the room asked if they could have a prayer box. One of my assistants asked if I had extras because if any of the residents lost theirs they would really be upset.

The prayer box is not the perfect gift – it just represented it.

Marne

2011-12-09T07:07:00.010-07:00

Most people have never heard of Marne, Iowa, much less been there. Marne is a community located off of interstate 80 with a population of 149 people. I have been there twice. The first time was by accident.

A few years ago Char and I were in Illinois for a visit and to take a road trip with our future daughter in law, Desiree. Char and Desiree were in the back of the van watching a movie on the DVD player. I was driving along I-80 when I noticed the ‘low fuel’ light came on. No worries I’ll get off at the next exit and get gas. The next exit came and no gas stations were in sight so I continued driving. Another exit appeared but no gas stations so I stayed on the highway.

I was getting a little uncomfortable when I looked down and noticed the low fuel warning light was not only on but now it was flashing. I got off at the next exit and there was nothing except a sign which read, “Marne 3”. No worries, we’ll just drive into Marne and fill up.

Arriving at Marne the first thing I noticed was there were no gas stations! I parked my van in this spot because I noticed two women talking. Getting out of the van I asked where the nearest gas station was. One of the ladies told me it was about seven miles down the road. I thanked them and headed back to the van.

That’s when the woman said, “Do you have enough gas to get there?”

I turned and answered as honestly as I could, “I don’t know.”

She looked at me for a minute and told me she would be right back. A few minutes later she showed up with a five gallon container of gas and a nozzle. I dumped half the gas into the tank, sealed the container and started to take out my wallet. She just waved her hand side to side, while saying, “No you don’t owe me anything.” Back then gas was over four dollars a gallon and I told her I would really like to pay for it.

She looked at me and said, “No that’s not how we do things around here. Not too long ago a young college girl was traveling through with her cat and she almost ran out of gas. She wanted to pay me as well but I told her ‘Honey you don’t owe me anything. That’s not how we do things here.’ I told her just give me a hug and we would call it even.”

I looked at the lady and replied, “Well, I’ll give you a hug.”

She smiled and said, “No. No I’m all hot and sweaty.”

Now don’t read a lot into this because I was under a lot of distress from almost running out of gas but I relied, “I like hot and sweaty.” And with that I reached over and gave her a hug. To her credit she hugged me back while giving me a few pats on the back for good measure.

Then the lady and I stood there talking for a minute while unbeknownst to me Char was coaching Desiree inside the van. “Now when he gets in the van DON’T say anything. DON’T laugh. He’ll just get mad.” I’m sure we all know that’s not true and Char was giving her future daughter in law some bad advice.

Getting into the van, I headed down highway 83 to the nearest gas station located in Walnut when I noticed the movie had stopped and there was silence in the van. I looked in the rear view mirror and asked a simple question, “How you doing Desiree?” She burst into laughter.

Somewhere along highway 83 she caught her breath long enough to say, “I can’t believe you said ‘I like hot and sweaty!’” More laughter ensued not only by Desiree but by Char as well.

I got to the first gas station I could find in Walnut and asked if they needed anything. They were both laughing so hard I just assumed the answer was no.

I filled up with gas, bought a bottle of water then got back into the van where they were both still laughing. Getting onto I-80 they were both still laughing. Fifteen miles down the road they were both still laughing. Finally, I said, “Okay that’s enough.” My words are powerful so they got themselves under control within the next thirty miles.

Yet, every few miles either Desiree or Char would just burst out in uncontrollable laughter. It was a long trip.

So what about my second trip to Marne? Char and I drove through there on a recent road trip. I took some pictures but more importantly I left thinking how we could use more towns, and more people like those in Marne, Iowa.

Sunday Funnies

2011-12-03T16:46:00.001-07:00

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled,”I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Sunday Funnies

2011-11-19T18:26:00.000-07:00

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

(Thanks to Paul)

Ralph On Fire - Running Bear

2011-11-08T14:31:00.002-07:00

Arriving back at fire camp Bob came over and put his arm on my shoulder while asking if I was okay. I assured him I was. He then started laughing and said, “Well that’s was quite the adventure . . .”

In the late 1980’s I was on a fire in Colorado. On this particular fire I was working alone as a line scout. My job was to go ahead of the fire crews and mark where the fire line was to go. The terrain was steep and heavily wooded making it difficult to figure out the best location for the fire line because you could not see that far ahead. Several times I went back and corrected the location of the line because another route would be easier and more effective.
I made my way up the mountain. Then standing on top the ridge I looked down and saw a small meadow below. That makes it easy. I would work my way down the mountain and through the meadow.

I was just about to the meadow when I notice movement to my right. I looked over and saw two young bear cubs. That caused me to stop dead in my tracks! Given the time of year I knew the bear cubs were probably not alone and momma bear had to be close by. The bear cubs noticed me and briefly stopped playing. Now, I was nervous, really nervous. Slowly, with as little movement as possible I started looking around for momma bear. I finally spotted her to my left. She had not only seen me she was watching me very intensely. I was standing between a momma bear and her cubs – not a good place to be. That’s bad enough but to make matter worse I got a call on my hand held radio! I slowly reached down and turned the volume of the radio down then slowly lifted it up, hit the talk button and whispered, “Let me get back to you.” Because I was working alone it was important that I answer otherwise they would assume something had happened and would keep calling. Then if I didn’t answer they would send the nearest crew in to find me. The last thing I needed at that moment was to have a twenty person fire crew come charging over the mountain startling the bear more than I already had.

Slowly, and I do mean slowly, I started to back up. After about three steps the radio went off again. The momma bear moved causing me to immediately stop again. She hadn’t taken her eyes off me the whole time. Slowly, I lifted the radio up and whispered, “Let me get back to you I have a problem.” Well, that was the wrong thing to say. The radio went off again asking what kind of problem. I again whispered I would get back to them and then I shut the radio off. I slowly continued backing up and the momma bear kept watching me.

After what seemed like hours I had backed up about fifty feet to a large pile of rocks and slid behind it – out of sight from the bear but still not that far from her. I turned my radio on and called fire camp I knew they were trying to call me to make sure I was alright. This time Bob, the person I reported to came on the radio. I told him about being between the bear and her cubs. Bob gave me some advice on how to get out of there and reminded me that even though I might not be able to see the bear she would be watching me.

I left the rock pile fighting the urge to run. Slowly I made my way back to the ridge top. I radioed the fire camp and told them I was away from the bear and what direction I would be going. The communication guy on the camp radio asked what type of bear it was. I stared at the radio a moment before replying, “A big #$%^& bear.”

It took a few more hours to complete marking where the fire line was to be constructed. I was constantly looking around and pretty nervous the entire time.
Arriving back at fire camp Bob came over and put his arm on my shoulder while asking if I was okay. I assured him I was. He then started laughing and said, “Well that’s was quite the adventure . . . I think I’ll start calling you RUNNING BEAR”

To this day, whenever I see him he calls me Running Bear.

Sunday Funnies

2011-11-05T18:44:00.000-06:00

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign:

"Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust."

And Again

2011-11-03T09:43:00.009-06:00

It snowed again yesterday. Yeah, yeah, I know it’s that time of year. But it can certainly put an end to eating outside.
I also think the flowers might be gone.

Adventures at the Home - Elevators

2011-10-31T14:34:00.002-06:00

As I walked into the nursing home where I do my cooking group the first thing I noticed was about 80% of the staff were dressed in a costume. That’s not a bad thing since it is Halloween. I signed in and went through all the formalities.

Heading towards the elevator I spotted a guy who had been coming to my cooking group the last few weeks. I greeted him and asked if he was coming to cooking group today. He replied, “I wouldn’t miss it!”

Together we headed towards the elevators and while doing so I noticed he was constantly looking to his left, then his right, then behind him. That’s a pattern I never seen him do before but I just shrugged it off.

We got on the elevator, the doors closed, and he just blurted out, “Might want to watch yourself today Ralph, people are really acting weird.”

After a moment I replied, “You do remember today is October 31, Halloween, don’t you?”

He looked at me, got a grin on his face, and said, “No #$%^ !! Well, that explains a lot.”

He seemed pretty relaxed during cooking group.

Sunday Funnies

2011-10-29T18:18:00.002-06:00

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of boys surrounding a dog. All the boys were between the ages of ten and twelve.

Concerned the boys might be hurting the dog, he asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is the old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whoever can tell the biggest lie gets to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. As the reverend was beginning to think he had gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

(Thanks to Cliff)

Yesterday and Today

2011-10-26T13:35:00.039-06:00

At noon on Tuesday I was on the golf course in a short shelve shirt swinging a golf club. The sky was a radiant blue, the sun was shining and there was a slight breeze from the south.

Then this morning I woke up to this.

On Wednesday at noon the only thing I was swinging had a blue handle.
You may not know this but – I hate snow.

Pile Up On Mayberry Lane

2011-10-18T13:04:00.008-06:00

A year and half ago I started a cooking group at a local nursing home. I take in a picture, we go on a mental field trip, I show them how I cook something and then magically a dessert appears and we eat. The best part is the eating.

On my first day there I noticed two things. First, all the hallways had signs like Hopeful Avenue, Cheerful Drive, etc. Secondly, ninety-eight percent of the residents were in wheelchairs.

One day we had 45 residents, most like because we were having apple crisp with ice cream. Because of the size of the class two employees of the nursing home, Lindsey and Kala were helping me. We took our mental field trip. I told them a couple of jokes while showing how I make apple crisp. Then two warm apple crisps appeared. As soon as they were uncovered the aroma of cinnamon and nutmeg filled the room and everyone was ready to eat.

I was rummaging through the box which contains all the ingredients and utensils I need when I realized I had forgotten to pack an ice cream scoop. That’s when I said the words that started a chain reaction of events, “Will somebody go to the kitchen and see if we can borrow an ice cream scoop? Otherwise there will be no ice cream today.”

Suddenly, all I heard was metal hitting metal and adjectives strung together in such a way it made any fire line I was ever on seem tame. I turned around and saw that about fourteen of the residents had pushed themselves away from the tables. Wheelchairs were banging into one another, arms and legs were intertwined, some people were cussing a blue streak and it was all taking place underneath the hallway sign which read Mayberry Lane. I threw my hands in the air and yelled (yes, I had to yell to be heard over all the commotion), “Hold it! Hold it!” Everyone stopped. Then, in a little calmer voice, I said, “I guess what I meant to say was, Lindsey or Kala, could one of you go to the kitchen and see if we can borrow an ice cream scoop?” There was a collective response of, “Oh, okay Ralph”. The residents started pushing themselves back to the tables with a lot of side conversations like, “I’m sorry I called you a @#$%^” taking place.

The ice cream scoop appeared and Lindsey, Kala, and I proceeded to serve everyone. I started chuckling about what had happened when Lindsey made the profound statement, “Never underestimate the power of ice cream”.

Part Time Employment

2011-10-13T19:10:00.017-06:00

Earlier this year two ladies in our cul-de-sac were expecting. Their due dates was a week apart. When you get to be my age it is really fun to be surrounded by young families with young children so I was pretty happy. So happy that for a portion of the summer I agreed to work part time as a census taker.

One day a sign ‘mysteriously’ appeared at the entrance of our cul-de-sac. It was in the yard of one of the pregnant women. The husband who lives there pulled into the cul-de-sac that night hopped out of his truck and marched over to look at the sign in yard. He threw his hands on his hips and muttered something like, “What the . . . .?” He stood there for a few minutes staring at the sign repeating aloud, “Who would do that? What’s that about?” I was in the front yard when he came marching over (yes marching, he was on mission). He looked at me and asked if I knew what the sign was about. I told him I had seen it earlier in the day and after thinking about it as near as I could tell it was the population of our cul-de-sac. We took a few minutes and mentally worked our way from house to house. Four people lived here, two people lived there . . . yep, it came out to 18. Then my neighbor pointed out it didn’t include his eldest daughter who lives at home part time. I agreed with him but also pointed out the ½ might confuse people. Then he asked, “But who would put that sign in my yard?” That’s when I bent down and started to pull weeds. My neighbor stormed off to get another look at the sign. Suddenly he turned around and with both hands on his hips, determined to resolve the issue asked if I was the one who put the sign in his yard. I looked at him and said, “I did not make that sign.” He started to storm off then stopped and came back over, “I didn’t ask if you made it. I asked if you put it in my yard.” Well, it was the moment of truth. I stood up and told the truth, “Yeah. Yeah I’m the one that put it in your yard.” Suddenly he relaxed and the tension was gone. I went on to explain to him that I had accepted a job as a part time census taker for the cul-de-sac. As our numbers increased it was my job to update the sign. My good neighbor then walked over looked at the sign and started to laugh.

Over the next few weeks people would walk by or drive by looking at the sign. They would either get a puzzled look on their face or burst out laughing. The sign stayed as is for about a week.

Then we had a chance. Our numbers increased. The lady whose yard the sign was in gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. Mom was doing well, the baby was doing well, and as stated earlier, at my age another baby to spoil and play with is just pure joy so I updated the sign.

It was fun to watch as people went by. The ones walking by would see the sign and smile. Some even clapped. People driving by would slow down and look at the sign. One person stuck his hand out the window and waved, another honked her horn a few times.

But my job was not complete. A few days later our cul-de-sac was blessed with another little girl. My job, as census taker, was to update the sign. Again people walked by and smiled, cars slowed down and people either smiled or honked.

I left the sign up for about a week after both births wondering how something as simple as a little sign could bring so much joy to that many people. I concluded it’s one of those things we will never know until we get to heaven.

A week after both of the births I took the sign down. It was time to go back into retirement.

Colorado Gold

2011-10-09T13:41:00.013-06:00

Char and I have been doing a little traveling. A recent day trip was to go see the aspen trees. The colors are really spectacular this year. Following are a few pictures we took.

Sunday Funnies

2011-08-27T19:35:00.002-06:00

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled Pastor, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "

(Thanks to Rachel)

Sunday Funnies

2011-07-30T17:23:00.002-06:00

It's been so hot and dry this summer that . . .
In Texas and Oklahoma the Baptists are baptizing by sprinkling.
In Kansas the Presbyterians are using wet wipes.
In Indiana the Methodists are giving out “no-rain” checks.
And all across the country Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water.

(Thanks to Paul)

Sunday Funnies

2011-07-23T19:16:00.001-06:00

A young woman goes to church to confess her sins to the priest.

''Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.''

''Tell all of your sins, my daughter.''

''Oh, Father, last night my boyfriend and I made hot, passionate love three times,'' she says.

The priest thinks about this long and hard and says, ''Take three large lemons and squeeze the juice into a tall glass and drink it.''

''Will this cleanse my soul of my sins?'
'
''No,'' the priest says, ''but it'll wipe that smile off your face!''

A Thought For Sunday

2011-07-16T19:00:00.000-06:00

A church member, who previously had been attending services regularly, stopped going. After a few weeks, the preacher decided to visit him.

It was a chilly evening. The pastor found the man at home alone, sitting before a blazing fire. Guessing the reason for his preacher's visit, the man welcomed him, led him to a comfortable chair near the fireplace....and waited.

The preacher made himself at home but said nothing. In the grave silence, he contemplated the dance of the flames around the burning logs. After some minutes, the preacher took the fire tongs, carefully picked up a brightly burning ember and placed it to one side of the hearth all alone.

The host watched all this in quiet contemplation. As the one lone ember's flame flickered and diminished, there was a momentary glow and then its fire was no more. Soon it was cold and dead.

Not a word had been spoken since the initial greeting. The preacher glanced at his watch and realized it was time to leave. He slowly stood up, picked up the cold, dead ember and placed it back in the middle of the fire. Immediately it began to glow, once more with the light and warmth of the burning coals around it.

As the preacher reached the door to leave, his host said with a tear running down his cheek, 'Thank you so much for your visit and especially for the fiery sermon. I will be back in church next Sunday.'

We live in a world today, which tries to say too much with too little. Consequently, few listen.

Walking Miss Taylor

2011-07-12T12:35:00.015-06:00

Taylor, our youngest granddaughter, recently came to visit. She was accompanied by her mom and dad. She turned four months old while she was here. Hard to believe she is already that old.

Thanks to our neighbors (who are expecting another little one) we had anything and everything we could need for Taylor. We had a car seat, a high chair, a pack and play, a stroller, etc. All of it was a lot fancier than when our kids were young. I even had to go to the fire department to figure out how to install the car seat.

While Taylor was here we took her on her first picnic. We were taking our friend Millie to Este Park for a conference she was to attend and stopped on the way to have a picnic lunch. The wind was blowing but Taylor was a trooper and as you can tell from the picture she either wanted me to hold her or she wanted my sandwich.

We also had a pool party for Taylor in the backyard. The look on her face says it all, “Save me Grandpa! Save me!”

Taylor and I also spent I lot of time doing this. I think Tiffany and Jason appreciate the fact that Char and I were available to babysit a few times so they could go out. What a burden – babysitting such a cute little girl.

But all good things have to come to an end and Jason, Tiffany, and Taylor had to leave. Returning from the airport I quickly realized how sad a house full of baby stuff can become without a baby.

Sashimi

2011-05-29T16:03:00.004-06:00

Char and I were at the store the other day and bought a platter of sushi. I really like sushi. While I have eaten sushi made with tuna and other type of fish, the spicy crab rolls and the California (vegetable) rolls are probably my favorites.

The other night I was eating a couple sushi rolls and remembered my first and only experience with homemade sashimi. Both sushi and sashimi are Japanese foods. The main difference is sushi is a rice roll which may contain fish. Sashimi contains no rice and is fresh, raw fish, sliced and occasionally served with a dipping sauce.

In the 1970’s my good friend Alan and I worked on the same district for the Colorado State Forest Service. Our district consisted of four highly populated counties. Alan and I were in charge of crews spraying for mountain pine beetle. Alan oversaw the crews working in the northern portion of the district; I was in charge of the crews working the southern part.

Back then at the end of the summer, just before the crews were released, we had an end of the year party. It was always held during the week, so we wouldn’t disturb the weekend campers.

A lot of ‘logger’ games were involved; things like the pole toss, the hatchet toss, and the ax throw. And yes, alcohol was involved - usually, a lot of alcohol. Surprisingly even with the amount of alcohol consumed, the games we were doing, and the sharp instruments we were using, no one ever got hurt.

When the 1975 spray season came to an end Alan and I had the crews doing some cleanup items and repairs on the trucks. They would meet us at Jefferson Lake later that day for the party. Alan and I had the task of going up to the lake securing a camping spot and most importantly tapping a keg of beer. The keg had to be tapped early so the foam could settle before the crews arrived. It was a difficult task but someone had to do it.

Arriving at the lake we found the ideal site for our camp and the games. It had a nice little meadow with a small stream running through it. Alan and I unloaded the keg and tapped it. Then one of us grabbed a glass to test it. Yeah, it had a lot of foam and we agreed it was a good thing we gotten there early otherwise the crews would pour themselves a glass of beer and then have to wait for the foam to settle. Not wanting to waste the beer in our test glass we drank it.

We proceed to set things up for the logger games. We found poles for the pole toss, we found targets for the ax throw and the hatchet toss, all the time checking the keg about every 20 minutes or so. Always feeling compelled to drink what we took out of the keg.

Around mid day Alan and I realized a couple of things. First, we had not brought any food with us. The crews would be bringing it up later. Secondly, the alcohol from testing the keg was starting to take its toll. Yet, it was our job and whether we liked it or not it had to be done.

Everything was ready for the party, the keg was iced up and the foam starting to settle, then one of us decided we should go fishing. Throwing a fishing line into the small little stream we were both surprised by the fact we started catching small little brook trout almost immediately. Then one of us, I’m pretty sure it was Alan, thought we should clean the fish, start a fire, and cook them for lunch. At the time it seemed like a great idea. Looking back on it two drunken foresters starting a fire in the middle of nowhere may not have been the best idea.

The fire was roaring and the fish were cleaned. We wove them onto a couple of willow sticks and cooked them. I held my stick slightly above the flame until, after about thirty seconds, I hear it sizzle. Turning them over I cooked the other side for another thirty seconds. There was no way those fish were done but as I stated earlier – alcohol was involved. So there we sat eating our raw brook trout talking about how good fresh caught fish were. Following ‘lunch’ we proceed with our task of checking the keg.

I can’t speak for Alan but I vaguely remember the crews arriving. I do remember a couple of the guys helping me to the tent telling me I ought to rest for a while as I babbled about how great the fishing was in that little stream.

If a state agency was to do that today, one if not several people would lose their job and others would most likely end up in jail. But, in the ‘70’s we worked hard and were allowed to play hard. Back then I had no idea our trout lunch was a Japanese delicacy; I would find that out thirty years later. That foreign word, sashimi, now brings a smile to my face.

Sunday Funnies

2011-04-30T17:15:00.000-06:00

One balmy day in the South Pacific, the Captain of a navy ship sees smoke coming from one of three huts on an uncharted island. Upon arriving at the shore they were met by a shipwreck survivor.

He said, "I'm so glad you're here! I've been alone on this island for more than five years!"

The captain asks, "If you're alone why is there three huts?"

The survivor said, "We'll, I live in one, and go to church in another."

"What about the third hut?" asked the captain.

"That's where I use to go to church."

Viruses

2011-04-16T18:06:00.005-06:00

There are a lot of viruses going around lately. When Char and I got back from our trip I had caught a virus and had to miss a week with the cooking group at the nursing home. Then for the next two weeks a very contagious stomach virus was running its course through the nursing home. It was recommended all volunteers stay away. I did.

To make matters worse my computer caught a virus. I had to take my computer into the doctor where it spent several days in the intensive care unit. I’m amazed how I have come to depend and rely on my computer and how helpless I feel when I cannot access e-mail or check blog sites. Yet, the computer doctor came through and my computer recovered – at least until the next ‘strain’ hits.

Hope everyone out there is staying healthy.

Grandpa's Here !

2011-03-30T10:21:00.030-06:00

Taylor Lynn was born about a month ago and shortly after her birth Char went out to help. I could have gone but would have added very little to the experience of coming home from the hospital except perhaps a little drama. However, within a couple of weeks, Taylor Lynn was on the phone and the conversation went like this, “Hello Grandpa, when are you coming out to see me?” Not wanting to disappoint her I told her Grandma and I would be out soon. Walking into her room, she got this look on her face that summed it up, “Hey everybody! Grandpa’s here!”

Taylor Lynn and I spent a lot time doing this. Neither of us got tired of it.

But, all good things have to come to an end. I told Taylor Lynn we would be leaving and she burst into tears while asking, “Grandma, grandpa, why do you have to leave?”

I told her we would be back soon – I’m sure we will.

Sunday Funnies

2011-03-26T18:08:00.001-06:00

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.

“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me”' said one boy.

Several pecan nuts dropped and rolled down toward the fence.

Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”

The man said, “Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”

The old man whispered, “Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord.”

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That's all.... now let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.”

They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.

(Thanks to Rachel)

Like Mother, Like Daughter

2011-03-14T04:30:00.001-06:00

More than once when our daughter, Tiffany Lynn, was young Char and I stood at the door to her bedroom and laughed. Tiffany had a habit of sleeping with her legs in a figure four position with her hands up by her head. We didn’t have much money back then so we found entertainment wherever we could, including watching our daughter sleep.

Recently our Granddaughter Taylor Lynn was born. Now maybe it’s just me but I think she is taking after her mother.

Sunday Funnies

2011-03-12T13:47:00.001-07:00

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

He took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was collected the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke out in laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

And The Numbers Increase . . .

2011-02-26T13:47:00.004-07:00

Here is a picture of our latest Granddaughter - Taylor Lynn Gordon. She was born yesterday at 6:52 PM. Taylor is doing well, Mom is tired but doing well, and Dad seems to be smiling a lot.

Taylor doesn’t know it but she might have just helped me conquer my fear of flying.

Early Season Golf

2011-02-24T13:21:00.002-07:00

Last week we had some really nice weather. Several afternoons the temperature was in the high sixties, blue skies, and little or no wind. It was on one of those afternoons I decided to treat myself to a round of golf. I threw the clubs in the van and headed to the course hoping I would be able to play alone. I’m okay with that, I like myself, and I have also learned a couple of things about early season golf. One being, early in the season there are two types of golfers. Category one, those, like myself, who just want to get outside and see if they can still hit that stupid little white ball after several months of not even holding a golf club. Then there is category two – those are the ones who are convinced if they get started early and help enough other people with their game they will be invited to join the PGA (Professional Golfers' Association).

At the course I knew I could play the par three course alone but I really wanted to play the nine hole course. I went in paid my green fees and to my amazement was told I could proceed to the tee box and commence play. “Commence play” has always made me laugh. Arriving at the tee box I was pretty excited. Then my hopes and dreams were shattered when over the loud speaker I heard, “Mr. Campbell will you hold up please sir. Mr. (Whoever) will be joining you.” Okay, I resided myself to the fact that I wouldn’t be playing alone but I was still hoping I would get teamed up with another category one player.

A man around thirty-five or so walked up, stuck out his hand and said, “Hi. My name is Matthew - not Matt - Matthew.” Okay that might be an awkward introduction but I can respect it. His name is Matthew and that’s what he wanted to be called.

I quickly discovered Matthew was a category two golfer. On the first hole I took out my five wood, had a couple practice swings, and started to approach my ball. That’s when Matthew said, “Say, Ralph, I don’t know if you realize it but you have your five wood not your driver.” I explained to him I had my five wood because I hate my driver. He just stared at me.

On the fourth hole we had settled into our game but Matthew was restless and felt the urge to give me some more advice when I took out my 7 iron. Matthew told me instead of my 7 iron I should really use my 8 iron because it would lay up better. I told him there were several clubs in my bag I have never used - the eight iron was one of them. He shook his head and walked away while telling me I should use all the clubs in the bag.

By the 7th hole there is very little idle chit-chat between Matthew and I. It’s a par four hole and for the first time in my life I am on the green in two strokes. Granted I had a long putt, probably 25 -30 yards but this is the best I have ever played this hole. I'm standing behind my ball looking at the hole. That’s when Matthew told me I should kneel down to get "a better feel of the green". This is when I realized Matthew and I would never be good friends. I told Matthew, "You know you need to realize a couple things. First, at my age you don't kneel any more than you have to because it hard to get back up. Secondly, I'm not that tall. I doubt if the extra foot I'd get from kneeling down would change the perspective all that much." Then I walked up took my putt and to my astonishment the ball fell in the hole!! Got my first birdie of the year on a hole that has always caused me problems.

I walked up, took the ball out of the cup, looked at Matthew and said, "That's why you should never kneel down.”

We finished our round and I was relieved to find out Matthew may still be invited to join the PGA – I mean he did beat me by three strokes.

Sunday Funnies

2011-02-19T18:58:00.000-07:00

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."

During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."

At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

(Thanks to Cliff)

Sunday Funnies

2011-02-12T17:44:00.000-07:00

The woodpeckers might have to go. . .

Some Things are Just Wrong

2011-02-04T11:51:00.003-07:00

The other day I was out running some errands and stopped at the store to pick up a few items. Walking down the aisle I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw a bag of steak flavored potato chips. That caused me to have a, “What the . . .” moment. I mean think about it – are you really going to eat steak flavored chips with a hamburger?

Driving home I started having second thoughts. Perhaps I had misread the bag. Maybe my glasses were dirty causing the letters to blur. It was early in the day so I ruled out the possibility of alcohol being involved.

Back at home, I kept thinking about those potato chips and decided to do a quick search on the internet. There it was – steak flavored potato chips. Not just one but several different types of steak flavored potato chips.

I scanned the list and found a few other flavors such as:
Dill Pickle
Horseradish
Hot Dog
Grilled Cheese
Chicken, Thyme and Lemon
Crab Spice
Atlantic Lobster
Pulled Pork

We might be going a little overboard with all these flavors. I think I’ll wait until they come out with potato flavored potato chips.

Where's Al ?

2011-02-03T13:16:00.006-07:00

It's days like this I wish Al Gore were here so we could discuss global warming - while shoveling snow off my driveway.

Rare

2011-01-31T04:03:00.004-07:00

One day last week I was to meet a friend in a town thirty miles from our house. I was half way there when my cell phone rang and my friend informed me he wasn’t going to be able to make it. I know him fairly well so I was halfway expecting the phone call. But now what do I do? It’s a nice day, I’m outside the city and traffic was light so I decided to continue driving and buy myself breakfast.

Stopping at the McDonalds, where we were to meet, I order a breakfast burrito and cup of coffee. Then I moved aside so the guy behind me could order. I couldn’t help but hear him place his order. He said, “I’d like a cup of coffee and a rare hamburger. Not medium rare – rare.”

Suddenly memories of my days as a fast food cook flashed into my head . . .

As a young college student I had landed a job at a fast food restaurant three days after arriving in town. It was a job that provided some excellent perks.

It was a fast food restaurant like McDonald’s but instead of just serving hamburgers and fries, they had fish sandwiches, fried chicken, tacos, fish and chips, sausage sandwiches, and ice cream. One of the benefits was we could eat anything we wanted for free. This was great for a young, single college guy. But an even better benefit was everyone else who worked there was either a high school or college lady. A job that paid me, gave me free food and the chance to work with some attractive and available women. These are the kind of perks that makes you pause and think – does life get any better than this?

In these types of restaurants things are standardized so the quality is the same from one restaurant to another. For example hamburgers were pre-formed and frozen when we received them. They were made at a ratio of 22 to 1, meaning one pound of meat made 22 hamburgers. We would thaw out the patties prior to cooking and since they were thin they cooked fast. They were to be cooked for one and half to two minutes on each side. Tacos were to be deep fried for thirty seconds. Fish was to be fried for 2 minutes, two pieces of fish per order served with half an order of fries.

Now when you’re trying to cook for a bus full of tourist or several vans full of students passing through town a special order could really screw you up. While cooking for a bus full of tourist there was a request for a rare hamburger. I made it the best I could. It came back as being to done. I made another; it too came back as being to done. I took yet another hamburger patty, placed it on the grill, waited twenty seconds, flipped it, waited another twenty seconds and then prepared it. It came back as being over cooked. I’m trying to cook for a whole bus of hungry people while one person wants to be a connoisseur of a forty-nine cent hamburger. By my fourth attempt I was a frustrated. I took a hamburger patty, threw it on the grill, turned it over and then scooped it off. The total time on the grill was less than five seconds. Placing it on the bun I notice it looked rare, well, actually it looked raw but I thought to myself, “You want rare, you’ll get rare.” I doctored it up with mustard, ketchup, and a pickle which were the standard condiments, wrapped it up and sent it out. It must have been perfect because it didn’t come back this time.

At McDonalds I had received my order and was sitting in a booth. I watched the man who had ordered the rare hamburger. He sat down, took one bite, glared at the hamburger, hastily wrapped it up and marched back to the counter. I chuckled to myself as I thought, “Okay, I can leave now. I know where this is going.”

Sunday Funnies

2011-01-29T18:07:00.004-07:00

A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in his parish.

A leading local politician who was a member of the congregation was chosen to give a little speech at the dinner.

But the politician was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own words while they waited, "I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, and taken illegal drugs. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived, full of apologies for being late. He immediately began his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I believe I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Moral: Never, never, never, be late.

(Thanks to Paul)

Sunday Funnies

2011-01-08T22:43:00.000-07:00

Here are some questions about church statistics. See how many you can get right.

If a church's average morning attendance is 100, how many will attend a Sunday evening service?
(Answer: About ten)

If a church's average morning attendance is 2,500, how many will attend a Sunday evening service?
(Answer: A Sunday evening what?)

Pastor Price has been at First Church for three years. Attendance has been growing at a rate of 11.3 percent annually, volunteerism is up, the budget is balanced, and the bathrooms are painted. What percentage salary increase can Pastor Price expect?
(Answer: He will be fired for painting the bathrooms without calling a congregational meeting.)

When listening to a colleague preach, what percentage of pastors are convinced they could do a better job?
(Answer: 63%. The rest aren't listening at all.)

Flight 752

2011-01-06T22:57:00.000-07:00

Dreams are funny things. It’s amazing how unrelated events can get tied together and how, through our dreams, hidden truths can be revealed.

Char and I enjoyed a great trip over Christmas to see the kids. We really did have a good time and everything went according to plan until we were to leave. That’s when our return flight was canceled. We were to be home the morning on December 30 but the airlines informed us we would be in Illinois until the sixth of January as that was the earliest they could get us on a flight. That was totally unacceptable. The next morning at the airport, we decided to rent a car and drive back. Driving out of town I kept thinking, “I’m in a rental car while I have two perfectly good cars sitting in the garage at home.”

When we got to Nebraska, Cliff and Marilyn took pity on us and we spent a couple of days hanging out at the farm waiting for a storm to pass and the roads to clear before we headed into Colorado. On the road to Colorado, the lady who was watching our house sent us a text message saying one of our cars had a flat tire. Not exactly what you want to hear but it could have been worse.

Arriving home I walked into the garage and yep, the tire was flat – really flat. We’ve had flat tires before and the place we take them to be repaired is only a couple blocks away. Instead of changing the tire I have always pumped them up by hand with a bicycle pump. But this time I looked at that tire and thought to myself, “I’m getting too old to pump up car tires with a bicycle pump.”

So, the search for a small, affordable air compressor started. Amazingly, I was able to locate one for under $40. I was ecstatic. I pumped up the tire, drove two blocks and had the tire repaired.

So what does all this have to do with dreams? The dream happened last night.

In my dream Char and I are on an airplane. Abruptly over the intercom came the announcement, “Ladies and gentlemen this is the captain of flight 752. I don’t want to alarm you but we have a dilemma. If anyone has an air compressor we could sure use it. We have a flat tire and won’t be able to successfully land the aircraft until we get some air in that tire. If you have an air compressor please tell one of the stewardesses and thank you for flying flight 752.”

Suddenly people were running around the airplane yelling, screaming, and crying. They evidently didn’t realize the fasten seat belt sign was still illuminated.

I looked at one of the stewardess and said, “I have an air compressor.” But she was frantically trying to get people back in their seats. Looking behind me I spotted the other stewardess. I waved my hand and said, “I have an air compressor.” She just smiled and continued walking up the aisle collected used coffee cups and pop cans in a plastic bag.

All of the sudden I was awake sitting on the edge of the sofa. I don’t think I was sweating but my breathing was rapid and shallow. I bolted up the stairs to share my dream with Char. Yes, I was talking pretty fast and swinging my arms in the air but she really didn’t need to laugh as hard as she did.Two unrelated events got tied together. But what was the hidden truth? I occurred to me later that night. No one at the airlines wants to listen to the flying public especially during the Holidays.

Difficult Phone Calls

2010-12-06T04:11:00.003-07:00

Over the years I have made my share of difficult phone calls. While they are necessary they are never easy. Neither was the phone call I recently had to make.
The person I was calling knew how to do his job. In fact, he had for a number of years done it at the highest standard possible. But time was growing short. He was working under a great deal of pressure and was managing a large number of employees.

I noticed my hand shaking as I picked up the telephone. Your hand would be shaking too if you were running the risk of ticking off Santa Claus right before Christmas.

After dialing the number I listened to the prerecorded message, “If you have a Christmas list, press one. If you have been naughty and want to make amends, press two. If you want to tattle on a sibling or someone else in your neighborhood, press three. If you want to speak with the toy department, press four. If you want sled flight information or scheduled arrival times, press five. If you have questions or concerns about Rudolph’s red nose, press six. If you need to speak to Santa Claus, press seven. To return to the main menu, press the pound button.”

I pressed seven. Same thing happens every year. You press seven to speak to Santa and suddenly you are getting passed around from one elf to another, all trying to be helpful, but seven is to speak to Santa. Finally, Santa answered the phone and the conversation went like this:

Santa: This is Santa.
Ralph: Hi Santa, this is Ralph in Colorado.
Santa: Ho Ho Ho Ralph. I was just thinking about giving you a call.
Ralph: Really? About what?
Santa: About the snow conditions. We have been getting conflicting reports and I thought I should touch base with you to see what is really happening.
Ralph: Well, it’s cold and it’s windy but no snow here. Although, there are parts of the state which have received significant snow fall. This might be a tough year on the sleigh.
Santa: Well, that’s what we’ve been hearing. By the way, what’s on your mind?
Ralph: Well I was wondering if you were going to use our cul-de-sac to make your test run again this year?
Santa: You bet I am! I love that cul-de-sac. Tight turns, quick descents and take offs. It’s perfect for the pre-Christmas flight. And Ralph, between you and me, Prancer and Dancer really need the practice this year.
Ralph: Well . . . I’m not trying to stick my nose into your business or tell you how to do your job but I thought I’d give you a friendly reminder we have a new kid in the cul-de-sac this year.

There was a long pause on the phone.

Santa: Ralph, do you have any idea how elves I have working to keep the address database up to date?
Ralph: No.
Santa: Do you have any idea how many elves are needed to keep track of all the moves made just days before Christmas?
Ralph: No.

Then I heard Santa pound on the computer keyboard. I knew I was on thin ice. He came back on the phone and told me the name of the new kid in the cul-de-sac along with his age, his date of birth, how many things he had done naughty and how many things he had done nice. Then Santa added “And on top of that, he likes M&M’s. “

Ralph: Yeah . . . yeah, that’s him.
Santa: Okay, Ralph, keep me posted on the weather conditions and we’ll pretend this conversation never took place.
Ralph: Thanks Santa. I’ll keep you posted.
Santa: See you in a few days Ralph. Ho Ho Ho.

Hanging up the phone my hand was trembling more than when I first made the call. I knew I had stepped on Santa’s toes and may have even questioned his ability. But, I wanted my new little buddy to get something prior to Christmas.

Later that week, I rushed outside before dawn. There was no snow so seeing sled tracks and reindeer footprints was out of the question. I dashed (sounds like Christmas) to the neighbors house and threw open their screen door (little more Christmas) to see such a sight (okay, you get the picture) my new little friend had his first Christmas delight, (sorry, had to make that one rhyme).

Santa does his pre-Christmas flight in our cul-de-sac and he has for a number of years. Daily he leaves the kids a small gift and a picture of himself.

But I’m putting out the word for next year – no one moves in or out of the cul-de-sac. I don’t want to have to make that phone call again.

Sunday Funnies

2010-12-04T18:04:00.000-07:00

A priest and a rabbi are in a car crash. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither one of them is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi says, "So you're a priest. That's interesting; I'm a rabbi. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace."

The priest replies, "Oh, yes, I agree. It's a miracle that we survived and are here together."

"And here's another miracle," says the rabbi. "My car is destroyed but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink the wine and celebrate our good fortune," he says, handing the bottle to the priest.

The priest nods in agreement, opens the wine, drinks half of it, and hands it back to the rabbi.

The rabbi takes it and puts the cap back on.

"Aren't you going to have any? asks the priest.

"Not right now," says the rabbi. "I think I'll wait until after the police make their report."

My First Sighting

2010-12-01T07:29:00.010-07:00

Sipping a cup of coffee looking out the kitchen window I realized we were going to have another spectacular sunrise. I picked up my camera and went out on the deck to take a few pictures. The jet trail added to the unique design of the sunrise.

But it’s winter and it’s cold so after a few quick pictures I headed back to the warmth of the house. I turned around to securing the sliding glass door when I saw it. I had met people who had seen U.F.O.’s (Unidentifiable Flying Objects) but I had never had that experience . . . at least until now.

With my camera still close by I was able to snap a quick picture of my first UFO sighting.

It’s either that or the reflection of the kitchen light in the glass door. You be the judge.

Forgiveness and Grace

2010-11-29T13:48:00.001-07:00

If you have ever wondered about the difference between forgiveness and grace join a golf league or group.

Earlier this year we went out to play golf. There were only six of us. I had the pleasure of playing golf with Dan and Earl. Both are really great guys. Dan is in his late 60’s, Earl in his late 70’s. Both of these men have a great sense of humor which just adds to the game.

On the third hole, a par 5, Earl was getting ready to tee off. Dan and I were behind him and to his right. A tree, which I have never seen anyone hit, was twenty feet in front of him to his left. Earl took a good swing and the ball hit that tree dead center. We heard the ‘whack’ as the ball hit the tree and started its return voyage. Then we saw the ball pass in front of Earl’s face, right at eye level. It probably missed him by a good two feet but at that moment in time it looked like a matter of inches. Dan and I both ducked and the ball passed over our heads.

Earl spun around and looked at us. Then in a somewhat rattled voice he said, “Am I the only one who peed his pants?”

Dan immediately responded, “I did something in my pants.”

Me? I was still praying, “Thank you, Jesus. Thank you, Jesus.”

We continued play but Dan and I were both keeping on a serious eye on Earl. Somewhere along the way Dan sent a text message to a person in the group ahead of us about what happened.

Finishing our round we walked into the clubhouse to join the other threesome for lunch. Mike was staring at his menu when we walked in. He looked up, made eye contact with Earl and said, “So, how was your game, Killer?” I’ve played golf with Earl a few times and to his credit I have never heard him cuss. True to form, he didn’t today either. But, he did take off his hat and throw it on the floor while saying, “So, how did you hear about that already?”

Staring at the menu Mike said, “They have been posting where you were on all the pace of play clocks on the course.”

Now Earl was mad. He picked up his hat while stuttering, “That’s not right! That is just not right!”

Mike kept staring at the menu and said, “Maybe so but the last pace of play clock I saw said ‘Resume play. Earl is off the course heading to the club house’”.

Earl turned white then everyone started laughing.

So, what’s the difference between forgiveness and grace? No one in a golf group will grant you forgiveness. For weeks anyone who played with Earl was asked if they would like a hardhat or if they had their life insurance paid up, of course, Earl was always in hearing distance. He also sported the nick name ‘head hunter’ for about a month. There is no forgiveness in golf. But grace does abound and it did the day Dan, Earl, and I played golf and the above incident took place -Earl picked up the lunch tab for Dan and I.

Sunday Funnies

2010-11-20T16:26:00.005-07:00

Following the sermon the Pastor was standing in the foyer greeting the parishioners when a little boy ran up to him yelling, “I lost my dad! I lost my dad!”

Trying to help the Pastor said, “Calm down son. What’s your Dad like?”

“Beer and women," the little boy replied.

Topics of Conversation

2010-11-18T10:50:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I attended my first old fogies’ luncheon. Quarterly everyone who has retired from the forest service is invited to the old fogies luncheon. It’s a time when we can visit with one another and get caught up on life’s happening. It’s an informal gathering. If you can make it fine, if not we’ll see you next time. Seven of us attended yesterday’s event. Attendance was down due to hunting season.

Looking around the table I had many thoughts running through my head. I had literally trusted some of these people with my life while on forest fires and they had trust me with theirs. We had gone through a lot of good times as well as survived the bad times together. All these people had helped me throughout my career. I hope I returned the favor.

Suddenly, I started to laugh.

I remember sitting around tables with these same people 25 to 35 years ago. We drank beers while telling forest fire fighting stories, talking about the issues with raising families, talking about weekend events, and complaining about crappy pay raises.

Yesterday, we sat around the table sipping on ice tea talking about insurance premiums, medicare, and the health benefits of fish oil.

Topics of conversation do change over the years.

Sign Language

2010-11-13T11:52:00.002-07:00

One of the many problems with technology is it has taken away from previous forms of communications. It is amazing how fast young people can text yet they are confused by common everyday hand gestures. The other day it became obvious this is a growing problem in our country.

I was sitting in the turn lane waiting for the light to change. I was the first one in line and there were three cars behind me waiting to turn onto a four lane street. I was driving slower than normal and using a great deal more caution. The light turned and slowly I made the turn. Suddenly the car behind me pulled up in the other lane and the teenage driver glared at me while throwing both his hands up in the air. Having master hand gestures years ago I knew the teenage kid was frustrated by how slow I turned the corner and his hand gesture meant, “What the heck old man, drive the car or get off the road.”

I looked at him and using my index finger (it’s important to restate it was my index finger) I pointed over my shoulder then turning my hand towards him I rolled it from the left to right several time. Making a gesture some people use when implying “so so’.

The teenager had a puzzled looked on his face so I did it again. Using my index finger I pointed behind me then rolled my hand side to side several times. I looked over and it was evident he had misinterpreted my gesture. He was looking in all his mirrors then over both his shoulders convinced I had seen a police officer. He slowed down, pulled in behind me and followed me for two miles until I had to turn. I’m sure he was convinced I had kept him from getting pulled over and perhaps even a ticket.

There was no police officer. My hand gesture simply meant, ‘In the back I have a crock pot full of soup I’m taking to the nursing home. I don’t want it to slosh around’.

Kids needs to spend more time learning hand gestures and less time texting.

Sunday Funnies

2010-10-16T11:45:00.000-06:00

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. very tall, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

Sunday Funnies

2010-09-26T11:06:00.010-06:00

(NOTE: This is not the funniest Sunday Funnies I have posted but may be one of the most truthful ones.)

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an elderly man. The man was sitting in the park just feeding some pigeons.

The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie.

The man gratefully accepted it and smiled at the boy. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.

Again, the man smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the man, and gave him a hug. The man gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? God's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen."

Meanwhile, the elderly man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked," Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added," You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Four Short Minutes

2010-09-21T10:22:00.005-06:00

On Monday Char and I attended a funeral. The sermon was given and then it came time to tell about the man’s life. His seventy-five years here on earth was condensed down to four minutes. I looked around. The chapel was full, the overflow area was full, and people were standing in the foyer. It was evident this man had lived a rich and full life while touching many, many people. A four minute summary didn't do justice.

I sat there thinking of all the stories people attending the funeral could tell about him. I thought about the stories he had to have. Once again I was reminded of the importance of capturing our life stories. I wrote about it before in a post called, Preaching and Hypocrisy.

Sunday Funnies

2010-09-18T14:02:00.001-06:00

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a lesson about the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”

The other boy replied, “Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.”

(Thanks to Paul)

Sunday Funnies

2010-09-04T14:22:00.000-06:00

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched towards Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself any longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best praying I ever did was when I was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

De Smet, South Dakota

2010-08-31T14:39:00.029-06:00

Okay, I’ll admit it, when Char said she would like to go to De Smet, South Dakota, to see one of the homesteads of Charles and Caroline Ingalls I didn’t exactly jump up and down with excitement. This homestead, as well as others, was made popular by the Little House series of books written by Laura Wilder Ingalls. Later those books became the basis of the hit television show, ‘Little House on the Prairie’. Well, as it turned out, with the exception of visiting with the Morrow’s, De Smet was the highlight of my trip. It scored higher than Mt Rushmore, Crazy Horse, and the needles highway although they are well worth the visit.

Yes, there really was a Charles, Caroline, Laura, and Mary Ingalls. While they had several homesteads across the Midwest this is a picture of their land in De Smet, their last homestead. It is here that Laura met and married Almanzo. De Smet is the basis for many of Laura Ingalls Wilder’s books including, ‘By the Shores of Silver Lake’, ‘The Long Winter’, ‘Little Town on the Prairie’, ‘These Happy Golden Years’, and ‘The First Four Years’.

This is a replica of their house. Also on the homestead is a sod house and a claim shanty. A sod house was dug out of the hillside and bricks cut from sod were used for the roof. Sod houses stayed cool in the summer and warm in the winter but after a heavy rain the walls and roof would drip water for up to three days. In addition, the original claim shanty built by Henry Burvee has been moved to the Ingalls homestead. The claim shanty is over 125 years old.

We took a ride across the homestead in a covered wagon. Take a close look at this covered wagon – it has rubber tire to help smooth out the ride. Even with the rubber tires the ride was bumpy. I can’t imagine how hard it would have been with wooden wheels.

Back in De Smet we took a tour. Here Char is standing in the doorway of the Brewster School house where Laura Wilder taught. While the building is a replica it contains many original items from the late 1880’s.

One evening we ate the Kingsbury Country Club. There were many dishes I had never heard of including Chislic which is sirloin steak cut into one half inch cubes, deep fried, sprinkled with garlic salt and served with a side of barbecue sauce. It was really quite tasty.

From De Smet we headed to the Morrow’s where the food was exceptional.

Sunday Funnies

2010-08-22T12:34:00.000-06:00

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I’m Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I’m a Baptist, and this is a casserole."

Pest Alert - The Sequel

2010-08-18T13:20:00.000-06:00

I’m getting ready to stain the deck. Yesterday I power washed it. Today I thought, “Hey, why I have the power washer out I might as well clean the deck chairs and tables.” That’s when things turned ugly. Walking under the deck I noticed not one but two bee hives on the support beams.

I suppose a sane person would have stopped and gotten some wasp and hornet spray. But I had a bad experience with it last year. I put the power washer on a straight stream and blasted both the hives. Suddenly, bees were everywhere. The old adage, “Live and let live” was nowhere in my mind. I turned the power washer to a fan spray and even though I was seriously outnumbered, I held my ground.

Later I walked outside. Deck was power washed and ready to be stained, chairs and tables were spotless, and not a bee in sight. I love my Husky power washer.

Sunday Funnies

2010-08-14T14:46:00.005-06:00

One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked. "I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons why you should go to church. One, you’re 59 years old, and two, you're the pastor!"

Sunday Funnies

2010-08-07T19:03:00.003-06:00

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!”

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!

As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!”

(Thanks to Paul)

Field Trips

2010-08-03T14:32:00.010-06:00

Earlier this year Char and I were on a road trip in South Dakota. Char was in the passenger seat asleep, I was driving. That’s when I started thinking about my cooking class at the nursing home. Granted, doing a cooking class at a nursing home may not be everyone’s gift but I enjoy it. For whatever reason, it brings back great memories of my Father in law. When he was there he attended the cooking class. He would come to our house on the weekends with the recipe they made that week and often times he and I would recreate them. We had some great times in the kitchen even though he worked my butt off. He would read the recipe and tell me what to do. I, the good son in law, would do it. He would go back to the rehabilitation center, I would clean up the kitchen.

Driving through South Dakota thinking about it I decided I wasn’t happy with the results of my class. Many of the residents engaged but not at the level I wanted.

When we got back in town I resumed “teaching” the cooking class but with a twist. For two weeks I took them in a picture and told them a story about it. Then we “cooked” something that tied in with the photo. To my amazement the residents really started to engage a lot more. They started telling me stories, I told them stories, everyone (including me) started laughing and talking a whole lot more than when I was following the manual I was given at the beginning of this endeavor. And the class size grew.

After my two week trial I decided it was time to come clean. I went in and met with activity director and told him what I had been doing and the ‘manual’ wasn’t working for me and if need be I could find another place to volunteer. He smiled, took the manual and threw it on his desk. He told me he had had heard more laughter and chatter coming from the activity room during cooking class than any other time during the week. He also told me my pictures and recipes had become prized possessions of many of the residents. He told me about a guy that went down to the kitchen and told the cooks, “If you have a chance you should go to Ralph’s cooking class.” Then he told me what I wanted to hear – make it work for you and the residents.

Later that day I called a friend and told him what I had done. He replied, “Well, Ralph, if you think about it the farthest some of those people have been in a long time is from their room to the dining hall. You’re taking them on field trips.”

Today, I went to the nursing home and posted a picture of yesterday's class on the bulletin board. These pictures are also becoming a big hit. I got in the elevator with one of my “assistance's” and she remarked my class was really growing and becoming more and more popular. I told her it was the pictures. She then said, “It’s the pictures, it’s the food, it’s the stories, and it’s the fact that you take them on mental field trips getting them out of this place.”

There it was again, the words field trips.

So far we have been to Mount Rushmore, DeSmit, South Dakota, and a rodeo in Nebraska. I can hardly wait to take them to Palisade where we’re going to pick peaches.

Sunday Funnies

2010-07-31T17:03:00.002-06:00

A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?" The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

Blogger Blues

2010-07-28T11:32:00.001-06:00

It might be the nice weather. Then again it could be the fact this is the first summer in a long time where I didn’t have to be inside staring at a computer screen. Perhaps it's golf. Or it could be the fact that I have nothing to blog about – wait, that’s not it. I have a lot of stories running through my head I would love to get written down.

To make matters worse, I have not even visited some of my favorite blogs for awhile. Sorry. I will try and get better.

I think I’ll blame it on the weather.

Sunday Funnies

2010-07-24T16:27:00.001-06:00

A Grandmother was visiting her grandson one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
She started mentally polishing her halo while asking, "No, how are God and I alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

A little boy was overhead praying: "Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.I'm having a real good time like I am.”

Sunday Funnies

2010-07-17T13:45:00.002-06:00

A cowboy moved to Wyoming and walks into a bar and orders three mugs of beer. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One in Arizona, the other is in Colorado. When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

"It hasn’t affected my brothers though."

(Thanks to Rachel)

Highway 14 Mile 289

2010-07-07T11:42:00.002-06:00

Char and I just returned from a road trip. Like most of our trips it was full of memorable moments. The most memorable moment of this trip happened in South Dakota on highway 14 at mile marker 289. That’s where we found out we were going to be grandparents – again.

Char answered her cell phone and the conversation went something like this:

Tiffany: Mom, do you have a speaker phone?
Char: Yes.
Tiffany: Do you know how to use it?
Char: Yes.
Tiffany: Can you put us on speaker phone?

Char put the phone on speaker and Tiffany then told us she was pregnant.

A short time later Char sent them a text message which read, “Dad is driving erratically and is talking about putting the van in a ditch.” Actually, we were both pretty happy and excited for Tiffany and Jason – and us.

Sunday Funnies

2010-06-27T09:19:00.004-06:00

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.”

(Thanks to Rachel)

Sunday Funnies

2010-06-12T16:03:00.001-06:00

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change the color of her hair. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

Walking out of the hospital after her last operation she is hit and killed by a speeding ambulance. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

Strawberry Sweatcake

2010-06-08T15:53:00.014-06:00

I teach a cooking class at a nursing home. Actually, I don’t teach anything. I go in tell them a story or two, show them how I make something and then they eat. The activity director told me that is the only time some of these people laugh all week. I doubt if that is true but I do know they like to eat.

Monday, I was walking down the hall heading towards the activity room when I noticed how hot it was. I was hoping it was just the hallway but soon discovered it wasn’t. The activity room was like a furnace.

My helpers started rearranging the room. I usually have one helper but today I had two. Lindsey, the lady who had helped me for the past two months was leaving and the lady who was replacing her was there. I started arranging things on the table and one the residents said, “Ralph, were making strawberry shortcake, right?” Yes, today was strawberry shortcake day with homemade shortcake. I had talked to Marilyn and gotten her recipe for homemade shortcake. It’s quick, it’s easy, and most importantly it is really, really good.

We did an activity they had all been looking forward to. We made a cookbook with all the recipes we had prepared over the past two months. Pictures of the cooking class were on the front and back cover and many people got excited when they found themselves in the pictures. Then it was time to make the strawberry shortcake. I took out all the ingredients while explaining who Marilyn was, when I first had the shortcake, and why I thought it was so good. Then I asked Karen, my new helper, to come over and the following conversation took place:

Ralph: Could you get me a towel?

Karen: What kind?

Ralph: Either a hand towel or a bath towel it doesn’t matter as long as it is clean.

Karen: Did you spill something?

Ralph: No. Look around this room. Half these people are wearing either a sweater or a jacket. I have sweat running off my forearms, dripping off my face, and going down my neck. It’s hot in here.

She agreed to get me one. That’s when I said, “You might want to get three; one for me, one for you and one for Lindsey. We’re not making strawberry sweatcake here.” She giggled and soon reappeared with three hand towels. After sopping up the excess moisture on my face and arms we went through the process of how to make homemade shortcake. Then, like ever week, whatever we were making magically appeared.

We cut the shortcake, placed a piece on all the plates, and topped it with sweetened strawberries and a scoop of whip cream. I placed a plate in front of an 86 year old lady while telling the residents, “I know we all like strawberries and we all like whipped cream. But, tell me what you think of that shortcake.”

That’s when I heard the comment of the day. The eighty-six year old lady took a bite of the shortcake, smiled, and said, “That tastes just like the short cake my Momma use to make. I miss my Momma.”

Walking outside I noticed how cool it was. It was like a cold front had passed through. I went to the weather station and discovered it was eighty-one degrees with fifty-five percent humidity. Normally, that would be hot for this time of year but today it felt good. But, not as good as the memories stirred up by that shortcake.

Sunday Funnies

2010-06-05T18:21:00.004-06:00

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for a week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?”

Timmy nonchalantly replied, ”Yeah, I know who she is.”

The little girl said, “Well, who is she?”

“That's Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter Marcy.”

“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”

“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!”

(Thanks to Rachel)

Drop, Stop, and Roll

2010-05-18T09:54:00.014-06:00

I was in elementary school during part of the cold war. Because of the ever increasing tension at the time we had a lot of drills. One was the drill for air raid sirens. When the sirens went off we were to put away our papers, pencils, and books and take cover underneath our desk. While I practiced this religiously, looking back on it, I seriously doubt if that desk would have offered much protection against a bomb. I also question why we had to put everything away. The other drill I remember is, ‘stop, drop, and roll’. If you ever found yourself on fire you were to stop running, drop to the floor, and roll to extinguish the fire.

The stop, drop, and roll drill can be used in other circumstances as well. By changing the order of the steps I truly believe what I learned so many years ago, saved me from serious harm. It was about this time last year when I was thrown from a moving vehicle at a high rate of speed.

It was a leisurely, joyous trip, Char and I went out to Illinois to celebrate three birthdays. The trip out there went well as did the birthday celebrations.

But things quickly changed when we got to Hazy Hills golf course. Desiree and Char were in one golf cart, Nathan and I in another. Now let me say I do not blame Nathan, nor do I think it was his fault, but the way he drives a golf cart does leave a little to be desired. He starts fast, he stops fast and its pedal to the medal in between. The first few holes went well but then I sliced my ball to the right. Nathan’s went straight down the fairway. Not only did I slice it but I also lost sight of it, most likely while beating the ground repeatedly with the golf club. Nathan and I got back in the cart and went to look for my golf ball. Nathan was driving and I was scanning the course with the hopes of finding that little white ball. A group of trees was ahead of us and I fully expected Nathan to take the obvious route to the right. So, I leaned to the right and got ready for the turn. That’s when Nathan said, “There it is.” He then made a fast and abrupt turn to the left. That turn, as simple as it sounds, helped me to create the drop, stop, and roll theory.

DROP: When Nathan made that abrupt turn to the left, I flew out of the golf cart and dropped to the ground. I was leaning to the right, he was turning to the left, and the law of gravity took over.

STOP: Nathan slammed on the brakes and gave out a loud yell, “DAD !!”

ROLL: By the time Nathan stopped and let out that yell I was already rolling. After about twenty yards I came to a full and complete stop. I sat up, put my glasses back on and while wiping grass clippings off my face noticed Char and Desiree. They too were rolling. Only they were rolling with laughter. They didn’t see me get thrown from the golf cart but they heard Nathan yell and turned in time to watch me roll through the grass. It took two more holes to settle them down.

They can laugh all they want. But, I believe what I learned in elementary school saved me from serious harm.

Sunday Funnies

2010-05-15T19:36:00.000-06:00

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother remarked, “Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?"

Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed."

This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?"

"Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand!"

Lost Lake

2010-05-13T10:37:00.006-06:00

Beautiful. Tranquil. Serene. While looking at this picture you might think that but then, you’re not the one who almost died there.

Awhile back, my friend, Bobby, and I hiked into this lake. We were told it was an eight-mile hike through some major snowdrifts but worth it because the lake had some large fish. Armed with our fishing poles, tackle boxes, and one beer each we started the trek.

Without a compass or map, we hiked through the snowdrifts and found the lake. We were thrilled to discover no one was there. We had the entire lake to ourselves.

We spent the day fishing, talking, and taking pictures. But, like all good things, it came to an end and we started the hike out.

Somewhere on the way out we took a wrong turn and found ourselves at a lake we hadn’t passed earlier in the day. Not wanting to miss an opportunity we stayed and fished a little longer. All the while, the sun was starting to set.

We left the lake and after awhile found ourselves sitting on a rock pile neither of us recognized. That’s when Bobby made the declaration, “Well, it’s official – we’re lost.” Then handing me a beer he said, “We might as well really cloud our judgment.” Sitting on the rock pile, we both freely admitted we had no idea where we were.

I looked at my cell phone - no service. When I started to chuckle, Bobby asked what so funny. “Nobody knows where we are, we can’t call for help, and to make matters worse we just wasted the twenty-five cent search and rescue surcharge on our fishing license,” I replied.

By the time we left the rock pile the sun had set and it was getting dark. But, we kept telling each other that things were looking familiar. Then rounding a bend in the trail, there sat the truck.

Resting on the tailgate of the truck eating the best pepperoni and cheese I have ever tasted, I recalled the events of the day. We had hiked over eight miles through some high snowdrifts, caught no fish, got lost in the Colorado wilderness without food or water, and then somehow managed to find our way out.

I started to chuckle realizing it could be worse. The lead news story could have been, ‘Well Known Forester Found Dead in the Forest’. That would have been embarrassing.

It Won't Let Go

2010-05-12T06:55:00.005-06:00

Winter just won't let go this year. No golf today.

Sunday Funnies

2010-05-08T16:07:00.000-06:00

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.

“The Flight to Egypt,” was his reply.

Pointing at each figure, Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?”

“Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot.”

Taking On The Cowboy

2010-05-06T11:27:00.009-06:00

When I do the cooking class at the assisted living center there is a lady employed there who is assigned to help me. Her main role is to watch over the residents and to inform me of any food allergies and let me know who can eat what we made and who can’t. The way she interacts with the residents is amazing, she really has a gift.

I was getting things ready, residents were starting to arrive, and the lady walk in and said, “Well, Ralph, you are becoming quite popular. You beat out Cowboy Bob.”

The look on my face must have said it all because she laughed and went on to explain that Cowboy Bob shows up once a month with his guitar and sings country western songs. He is really quite popular. But the residents who had a choice wanted to attend cooking class.

I think it was the fact they knew we were going to have ice cream.

Hope and Change

2010-05-02T19:00:00.008-06:00

Three major network television channels showed the President saying the ‘F’ word in public. I'm sure a lot of Presidents have said it a few times. But it seems to be getting a lot of air time with the current President.

The President of the United States using the 'F' word in a public setting as part of a joke. I wonder how that is being viewed around the world?

I don't know about hope but it certainly is a change.

Sunday Funnies

2010-04-24T16:38:00.001-06:00

God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

Michael inquired, "Where have you been?"

God smiled deeply and pointed downwards through the clouds,"Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, “and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a place to test balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm confused."

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth: "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Balance in all things.”

God continued pointing to different countries: "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

God replied, "That's Virginia, a glorious place. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Virginia are going to be modest, intelligent, and humorous. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things"

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance..."

God smiled, "Right next to Virginia is Washington, DC. Wait till you see the people I put there."

(Thanks to Rachel)

The Rule of 55

2010-04-22T04:47:00.004-06:00

Jack Lemmon once said, “If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.”

Yesterday was to be my first golf outing. Instead I got a phone call shortly after 8:00 and learned the rule of 55. It’s a pretty simple rule – if it doesn’t look like the temperature is going to reach 55 by the first scheduled tee time we cancel. The group I’m in is a pretty casual bunch of guys who just like going out and playing golf. I hear they sometimes even keep score.

I was to tee off at 10:36. At that time the temperature was forty-eight. So instead of playing golf a few of us met at the clubhouse and had lunch – a long lunch. In early afternoon it was interesting to listen to people coming in off the course. There were a lot of comments like, “It’s a lot colder out there than it looks” and “It is Spring, right?” I’m sure the wind and the light drizzle that was falling didn’t help.

We had a good lunch and all left hoping for better weather next week.

Taking Time

2010-04-20T12:32:00.016-06:00

Benjamin Franklin wrote, “The Constitution only gives people the right to pursue happiness. You have to catch it yourself.”

Driving home the other day I was thinking about that quote. Suddenly, it dawned on me how I had caught happiness. I discovered how to years ago and then forgot it. I rediscovered it and forgot it again. I hate it when that happens.

Over the past few days I’ve been having a great deal of fun. I presented a Colorado town with their Arbor Day award. Something I’ve done in this town for twenty years. Around two hundred elementary students were there. The kids read poems, sang songs, and helped with the tree planting. It was a good time.

Is there anything better than a leisurely Saturday morning breakfast? Yes! A leisurely Saturday morning breakfast cooked on a new griddle your wife surprises you with. I’ve had griddles in the past but none that I really liked, they were always to small. Char walked in the other night and gave me this one. Saturday morning, it was bacon, eggs, and pancakes. We’ll be using it a lot.

Out in the yard I was able to put in some edging to hold back the mulch and then plant a few vegetables. It’s still to early to plant a lot of things but I did plant kale and beets. I have really been enjoying working out in the yard.

Then there is the cooking class at the assisted living center. Attendance was up this week. Evidently word about last week’s cake had spread. This week we made chicken artichoke casserole. It was a big hit. At the end of class, I told the residents next week we will be making something with apples. Before long we were talking about ice cream, I said we would have ice cream too. That’s when I heard the quote of the week. It came from a lady who was being wheeled out of the room. She looked at me, smiled, and said, “Geez, Ralph, I hope I don't die by then because I love ice cream!"

Four simple little things that helped me capture happiness in the last few days. The secret I rediscovered is to slow down and take time to enjoy what I am doing. Don’t get in a big rush to scratch things off the ‘To Do’ list, don’t run from one event to another – slow down and enjoy what I’m doing at the moment. At least, it works for me.

I’m sure I’ll forget this lesson from time to time. But Mr. Franklin was right – you have to catch happiness yourself.

Sunday Funnies

2010-04-17T11:04:00.000-06:00

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

(Thanks to Rachel)

Return of the Carrot Cake

2010-04-13T07:30:00.010-06:00

I have history with carrot cake. It goes back to March 2005. My father in law was in a rehabilitation center and part of his therapy was to attend cooking classes. One day, while at our house, he gave me the recipe from that week’s class. Then he decided we should make it together. It was carrot cake.

Little did I know what that would start. You can read the carrot cake story here. A few days later my father in law, Vic, passed away.

Long before I retired I decided I would return to that center and volunteer. I had two ideas in mind – story telling and helping in the cooking class. I will be doing the story telling but the cooking class was assigned to me.

It only seemed right that the first thing we made was carrot cake. The residents in the class were happy to see me. Many of them told me they liked the cooking class but it stopped awhile back and they didn’t know why. Thirty people showed up, eight were assigned to be my helpers. They would help with the measuring, stirring, and mixing.

At the start of class, I did get nervous. Looking out at thirty people, I suddenly realized, I have never done anything like this. Instead of getting too nervous about it I decided the best thing to do was just start and see where it took us. It worked. It's a lot like having your own cooking show on the food network - with the exception that the audience helps measure and mix everything and then half of them fall asleep until it's time to eat. We measured, we mixed, we stirred, and finally the cake was ready to be put in the oven. Suddenly, a baked cake magically appeared and when I announced it was time to make the cream cheese frosting every eye in the room lit up. I have never seen that many people smile in unison. Frosting does that to people.

We made the frosting and applied it to the cake. Then I asked the question, “You know the best part about making a cake?” As if they had a teleprompter, eight people said, “Eating it!” And that is what we did.

I asked them how it came out. One lady gave me a thumbs up. Another resident started to clap and told me if she could stand up it would be a standing ovation. One person told me I was a master chef. The best comment of the day was, "I don't want to be too critical but . . . we never get anything this good in the dining room."

Leaving the center I glanced towards Heaven. Somehow, I felt my father in law, Vic, would be eating carrot cake in Heaven tonight.

Sunday Funnies

2010-04-10T14:40:00.002-06:00

Jesus and Moses went golfing. Jesus was about to hit a shot and said, "Hey Moses, watch this! Just like Arnold Palmer!"

Moses said, "Jesus, you can do anything, don't try to be like Arnold Palmer."

Jesus said, "No, just like Arnold Palmer!"

Well, Jesus hit the ball in the water so Jesus asked Moses to retrieve the ball. Moses parted the water and got the ball. This continued for about 15 minutes. Finally, Jesus hit the ball in the water for the 7th time. "Please get my ball for me," Jesus asked Moses.

Moses said, "No, I told you to quit trying to be like Arnold Palmer, so I'm not getting it this time."

So Jesus walked across the water, reached down and got his ball. While he was doing this, a couple of kids rode by in a golf cart and said, "Who does he think he is? Jesus?"

Moses said, "NO! He thinks he's Arnold Palmer!"

Accessories

2010-04-06T16:31:00.021-06:00

On Easter Char and I exchange small gifts. She usually gets an Easter lily, a small box of candy, a Cadbury egg, and a card. I get a peanut butter egg and a box of Peeps. Most people are familiar with Peeps but if you're not they are shaped like baby chickens or rabbits and are marshmallows covered with a sugar coating. The original high energy food.

True to form, this Easter Char got me a box of Peeps. But then to my surprise – she decided to accessorize. She also got me a set of Peep protectors! The ultimate in Easter accessories.

As you can see the Peeps fit perfectly into these containers. Snap the top cover on they are good to go.

In a hurry and no time for breakfast? Slip a Peep into your pocket. Don't worry about the Peep being crushed or dried out when you're ready for a snack.

Going to be on the road traveling? Two fully protected Peeps fit securely in the cup holder of most vehicles.

Get your Peep protectors now and remember to stock up on Peeps – they won’t be around much longer.

Easter

2010-04-03T09:36:00.004-06:00

I received this via e-mail a few years back. It’s one of those things that is worth repeating. Enjoy the video by clicking here. Enjoy Easter and remember why we celebrate it – both now and forever.

Click the scroll bar once and it will automatically scroll down. Also, turn on your speakers.

Sunday Funnies

2010-03-27T20:03:00.003-06:00

Here's a few Sunday Funnies thanks to Char.

Did Noah fish?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

''No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

Unanswered prayer
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

“So, how come He doesn't?” she asked.

Say a prayer
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate and immediately started eating.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.

“I don't need to,” Johnny replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That's at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!”

Downside

2010-03-24T18:03:00.003-06:00

Early this morning I discover the down side to retirement – you don’t get snow days! Schools and government offices were being closed or put on delayed start times but not me.

Walking outside this is what I saw. So I did what I knew needed to be done I started shoveling and knocking the snow of the trees and shrubs. That’s when I discovered another downside – you have way too much time to think when shoveling snow. For example, over and over on the news they kept saying “spring snow storm”. Now it might just be me but . . . the words spring and snow should not be used together. Spring means green grass, colorful flowers, plants in the garden, leaves on the trees, etc. Snow means winter. Those two words should never ever be used together.

Also, I doubt if my solar lights will be on tonight. Hard to get recharged when you have snow on your solar panel.

Party Time

2010-03-23T09:37:00.009-06:00

I retired at the end of February. Last Saturday night was my retirement celebration. I was a little nervous going into it but have to admit I had a great time.

Tiffany and Jason flew in from Illinois. Nathan, Desiree, and the two grandkids drove in to be here. Cliff and Marilyn made the trek from Nebraska, and helped us a great deal in the days leading up to the event. Then over a 100 people from Colorado and neighboring states showed up.

The lady that coordinated it did an outstanding job. She bought a print and had it framed as a going away present. She also used that picture on the announcements and the cake.

I asked that it be a casual affair - show up when you can, leave when you must. It was. Some people stayed an hour, some for the whole thing, some stayed an hour after it was over.

I ended a great career with a great celebration. Thanks to everyone who attended.

Sunday Funnies

2010-03-20T18:03:00.002-06:00

Here are a few Sunday Funnies thanks to Char.

Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the silence, "I think I'd throw up."

The Lord is my Shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.”

Yesterday

2010-03-15T18:43:00.002-06:00

It snowed yesterday. That’s bad enough. But to make matters worse, every time I turned around there was another clock waiting to be reset.

Sunday Funnies

2010-03-13T15:15:00.000-07:00

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!”

(Thanks to Rachel)

Cell Phone Photography

2010-03-11T07:28:00.005-07:00

Upon retiring I purchased a computer, a camera, and a cell phone. My cell phone came with a camera, a feature I did not want. But anymore it is hard to find a cell phone without one.

Last Sunday, after church, I was waiting for Char and decided to play with my cell phone. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I had taken eighty-six pictures! They all look like this - the inside of my pocket.

Sunday Funnies

2010-03-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

Every Thursday afternoon, the pastor went to visit some of the elderly members of his congregation. He especially enjoyed visiting “Grandma Johnson.” That was because Grandma Johnson always had a little bowl of peanuts on her coffee table and the pastor knew that he was free to enjoy all he wanted.

“You know Grandma Johnson, I really like peanuts and I always appreciate that you share yours with me,” he told her one afternoon.

“Well, you’re more than welcome, Pastor. Take all you want. You know, since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them.”

(Thanks to Paul)

The Lamp

2010-03-02T13:10:00.007-07:00

The past few weeks I spent time with the person who will be assuming my position at the forest service. I have known him for years and I am quite sure things are being left in capable hands.

Last week we were sitting in the office going through computer files, when a lady I have worked with for years walked in and asked if I had told him about the desk lamp. Now, that's a pretty odd question, even by my standards. When I said no she said I better tell him.

I said when I started in this position we were in a different building. I really liked the office but the lightening was bad. So, my first official act was to go out and buy a desk lamp. When we moved to the new building I didn't need it but brought it along anyway.

That's when I heard the rest of the story . . .

The lady went on to explain that's how I got the lamp but not what it means. She said anyone who watched me knew when I came into the office I sat everything down, walked over and turned on the lamp. At night when leaving, I would gather up what I needed, walk over an turn off the lamp.

She went on to say, "Ralph, never has used the sign out board, anyone who needs to see him never looks at it. Rather, they walk by his office to see if the lamp is on or off. If it's on they know he's in the building. If it's off they know they need to call his cell phone or send him an e-mail. Don't mess with the lamp." And with that she left.

February 26th I turned off the lamp and exited the building. There are other lamps waiting to be lit.

Sunday Funnies

2010-02-27T11:00:00.002-07:00

A minister delivered a sermon in ten minutes one Sunday morning, which was about half the usual time. He explained to the congregation, "I regret to inform you that my dog, who is very fond of eating paper, ate the remaining portion of my sermon and I will be unable to deliver it this morning".

After the service, a visitor from another Church shook hands with the preacher and said, "Pastor, if that dog of yours has any pups, I want one to give to my minister".

(Thanks to Maddie)

Growing Or Fire?

2010-02-22T17:57:00.001-07:00

I’m not sure what to title this story. It happened at a point in my life where it could go into the Growing up Ralph series. Yet, while it has nothing to do with the forest fires I can also see it fitting into the Ralph on Fire series, because – I was, or at least felt like it.

Working at the same forest service office, I quickly became friends with Alan. We still are to this day. Every day on my way to work, I would pass the apartment complex where Alan and his wife, Debbie, lived. I offered to pick him up once and it resulted in me stopping by the apartment and having morning coffee on a regular basis.

One morning I arrived at the apartment complex and noticed smoke coming from the rear passenger side of my car. Kneeling down I started looking under the car when I heard and felt an explosion. I was thrown backwards and everything went black. Opening my eyes all I saw was black. I literally could not see.

Going by feel, I made my way up the stairs and frantically started pounding on Alan’s door. My face was covered with hot, smoldering rubber fragments. Even my eyes were black. Alan has told me he didn’t recognize me until I spoke.

Debbie started washing out my eyes while Alan ran outside to keep the fire from spreading to other vehicles. Of course, I didn’t have a lug wrench and the one Alan had wasn’t the right size. So, with a socket set he managed to get the still burning tire off the car and put out the fire.

Alan then put me in his car and we sped off to a hospital. But, there was a problem, Alan didn’t know where a hospital was and I couldn’t see. We came across a highway patrolman, Alan explained what had happened and asked him to escort us to the nearest hospital. He said he would have to clear it with his boss. The patrolman returned and told Alan he couldn’t do that but he could call an ambulance. Alan got mad, really mad. He was mad then and thirty years later it still upsets him.

I was in a lot of pain but told Alan if he could tell me where we were, I thought I could guide him to a hospital. I’m sure it wasn’t the closest hospital but it was the only one I knew of. Between him telling me where we were and me telling him where to turn, we made it to the hospital.

Being wheeled into an emergency room, I knew there were many people in there. I couldn’t see them, but I could hear them and could feel numerous hands touching my face. Some hands were removing embedded rubber. Other hands were washing my face and still others applying ointments.

I remember them talking. I cannot recall what they were saying because I was focusing on the intensity and the seriousness in their voices. I laid there not knowing what had happened but knowing most likely, it wasn’t good.

I’m not sure how long I was in the emergency room or for that matter the hospital but later they taped double thick pads of gauze over my eyes and released me. Alan says whenever we would walk by a window I would cringe. Light, any amount, any type caused excruciating pain.

For a few weeks, I sat in darkness. I went to the doctor, prayed, and listening, really listening to people. Many people said they would pray for me. Alan told me the wheel bearing on the car had frozen up and that is what caused the tire to catch fire. The doctor informed me I was considered legally blind for at least three days.

Back at the doctors’ office, the bandages were removed. Everything appeared blurry. My eyes were washed out and they applied some drops. Laying there for what seemed like eternity, I was scared to open my eyes. Light caused intense pain, but the pain was minor compared to the fear of what I would see, or better put, wouldn’t see when I opened my eyes.

Opening my eyes, everything was blurry. Then slowly, ever so slowly, things started coming into focus. For the next several months, my eyes were extremely sensitive to light. Over time, the sensitivity decreased but because of the scarring, I will never be able to wear contact lens.

It could have been worse, much worse. But that is one of the reasons our kids get flashlights, first aid kits, and yes, even fire extinguishers as gifts.

Sunday Funnies

2010-02-20T14:25:00.000-07:00

A lady walked into the Post Office with a package to mail. The package contained an old family Bible she was mailing to her brother.

The postal clerk asked, "Is there anything breakable in here?"

"Only the Ten Commandments," answered the lady.

(Thanks to Maddie)

Sunday Funnies

2010-02-13T14:56:00.002-07:00

Here are a few Sunday Funnies thanks to Char.

Lot’s Wife
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!”

Moses and the Red Sea
His mother asked nine-year-old Joey what he had learned in Sunday School. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across it safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his Mother asked.

“Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!”

Untimely Answered Prayer
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Little Tommy's mother was horrified and pinched him into silence.

After church, she asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?”

Tommy answered soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!”

Ralph On Retirement

2010-02-08T11:39:00.010-07:00

Well, it’s official. After thirty-five years with the forest service, I have decided to retire. My retirement letter was released in late January and since then I have learned some valuable lessons and tips on the retirement process. I’ve been passing them on to others who are considering doing the same.

One of the tips is get ready for questions. The top three questions are:

“So, what are you going to do?” Answer: The answer varies depending on who is asking.

“What advice do you have for someone who CAN”T retire?” Answer: Keep working.

But my favorite question is, “What was the highlight of your career?” When I tell people without a doubt the most remarkable and amazing thing I did in the last thirty–five years was coordinate the seedling tree program without exception everyone gets a blank look on their face and stares at me. Most people are expecting to hear about one program or another, a position I held, or a fire story. Few people even know I worked on the seedling tree program for two years. So, they are shocked by the answer. It usually results in getting a cup of coffee, finding a place to sit, and answering the follow-up question, “Why?”

Seedling trees are grown by our nursery and sold to landowners throughout the state to help reforest their property and establish windbreaks. Most district offices work with the extension service. For a percentage of the sales, the extension service publicizes the program and consolidates the orders. The forest service would help unload the trees (usually one or more semi trucks full) and be available at the distribution site to help fill orders and answer questions.

In 1977, I was a field forester assigned to one of our district offices. When asked if I would coordinate the seedling tree program I whined and cried. I was young (24 years old) and had a lot to prove. I tried explaining seedling trees weren’t real forestry and the extension service had changed drastically in the last couple of years. Now, most of the people working there were elderly women, in their late forties or early fifty’s. I mean really, I didn’t want to work with a bunch of “old ladies”. Looking back on it now, that might not have been the best argument to use. I was assigned to coordinate the program.

I was mad as . . . . well, I was really mad. I found out the person coordinating the program was a women by the Charlene. Finally, I drove over to the extension service office. As I walked into the extension office, there at the receptionist desk was one of the most beautiful creatures God ever made. The lighting was bad so I can’t say for sure, but I think there was an angel’s halo above her head. I told her who I was, why I was there, and that I needed to speak with Charlene. She introduced herself as – Charlene. Immediately, I started loving seedling trees!

While I won’t admit to achieving ‘stocker’ status, I found reasons to call her over the next few weeks. “How are sales going?” “Do we still have everything in stock?” “How many people will need to unload the trucks?” She answered the questions directly. There was no idle chitchat. No personal information deluged, this woman was all business, and it truly was a little frustrating.

Finally, distribution day arrived. I showed up at the site ready to help distribute seedling trees. But, there was a problem. My current girl friend, who was the receptionist at the district office, came along to help. She and I had been going together for a while. She wanted to get married and I wanted to . . . well, it’s really not important what I wanted.

Throughout the day, Charlene and I made eye contact but rarely talked. The day ended and everyone started to go home, including my girl friend. It was just Char and I. We started closing up when it happened. The garage door opener on the west end of the “barn” broke. The “barn” is the building in this picture and where the trees were distributed.

Char said she would call the repair service and wait for them. I said I would wait with her. She said she was a big girl and I didn’t need to wait. I told her I was staying. She told me to go home. I told her no. She told me she would be all right. I told her I wasn’t going to leave her there alone. She told me to ... well, if you haven’t figured it out we weren’t exactly seeing eye to eye.

We sat there for the most part in silence until the repairman arrived. He fixed the door, Char signed the bill and then in silence we each went to our respective car.

A few days later, the silence between Charlene and I had to come to end, we still needed to finalize the books and close out the project. Somewhere, I worked up the courage to ask her out. To my amazement, then and now, she said yes.

We went on our first date, then our second. In the end, we were married.

So, when anyone asks me, “What was the highlight of your career?” I tell them honestly, “The seedling tree program, because of it I have a wonderful wife and two great kids. There’s no better reason to work thirty-five years."

Sunday Funnies

2010-02-06T14:30:00.000-07:00

A small boy approached his father and told him proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"

His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?"

The son replied, "I know!"

"Okay," said his father. "Okay, what does the Bible mean?"

The son smiled and said, "B = Basis, I = Instructions, B = Before, L = Leaving, E = Earth."

(Thanks to Maddie)

A Sad Day

2010-01-27T21:02:00.004-07:00

This darn near made me cry. I read it on the internet and almost broke down in tears. I’m sure it will tug at your heartstring as well.

FUNERAL WITH BAGPIPES

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave-side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.

There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace" the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "Sweet Mother of Jesus, I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for over twenty years!”

Sunday Funnies

2010-01-16T17:33:00.001-07:00

A funeral service was held for a woman who had passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers were carrying out the casket when they accidentally bump into a wall. They heard a faint moan, opened the casket only to discover the woman was still alive.

She lived ten more years before dying. Her funeral was held in the same church. At the end of the service, the pallbearers started carrying out the casket when her husband stood up and yelled, "AND WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!"

A Birthday Surprise

2010-01-13T17:33:00.001-07:00

All the arrangements had been made and everything was in place. I picked out a nice flower arrangement and took it my florist friend at the store. Telling her what it was for she added some additional flowers and “freshened up” (replaced) a few others. I spent a great deal of time looking for a card I liked. Then, somehow, managed to smuggle everything into the house and hide it without being spotted.

Early Monday morning I prepared the surprise. I got the flowers from their hiding spot, signed the card, and made Char a nice cup of tea. Upstairs I pushed open the bedroom door, turned on the light, and loudly announced, “Looks like someone’s having a birthday today!”

The following conversation took place:

Char (sitting up in bed laughing): Yeah, somebody is, but not me.
Ralph (speechless):
Char (still laughing): My birthday is tomorrow.
Ralph: But . . . but today’s the 12th.
Char (still laughing): No, Ralph. Today is the eleventh.
Ralph: No (fill in the blank) !!

The surprise was on me. When Char finally quit laughing, I gave her the flowers. She would have to wait one more day for the card.

I was also surprised to learn – why you don’t earn any extra martial points, you don’t lose any by celebrating your spouse’s birthday early.

Adventures In A Water Taxi

2010-01-11T17:32:00.000-07:00

After our excursion and snack in Cabo San Lucas, Char and Deb said they would like to see the beach. Not a problem all we needed was a water taxi. Having walked the pier before our excursion, I knew water taxis were abundant. We walked down the pier, negotiated what we felt was a fair price, and then things started getting a little strange.

Walking through the gate onto the pier a “federal official” greeted us. He was collecting a one dollar per person port fee. In exchange, we got this official receipt, which seems to have been used a time or two. Dyle took out a $20 bill and instantly, someone grabbed it and took off running. The “federal official” explained the man was going to get change. He wasn’t gone all that long but it seemed like it when you’re thinking the man and the $20 are gone for good. The man reappeared with a beer in his hand. Our “federal official” explained he had to buy something to get change and not to worry the man would drink the beer. Now the trip to the beach was costing the taxi fee, a dollar per person port fee, and a beer.

We moved down the pier to where the water taxi was to meet us. Was – is a key word here. Arriving at the gathering spot, I noticed the water taxi, the man we paid the taxi fee to, and our driver were all gone! I was starting to get a little upset when Char explained our driver was bringing the water taxi to the other side of the pier. That’s when things, including me, started to settle down a little.

Reuben was our driver/guide and spoke quite a bit of English. If he saw you pointing at something or heard you talking about something he would take you as close to that particular spot as possible. He also told us what we were passing and some interesting facts about the area. He was a good guide for our outing.

The peninsula had two beaches, one on each side. This one was called lovers beach, the one on the backside of the peninsula was called divorce beach – something for everybody.

This rock formation is known as lands end. It’s where the sea of Cortez meets the Pacific Ocean.

Cabo San Lucas has a large sea lion colony. They just lie on the rocks and let the water taxi’s float by.

Occasionally you would come across a sea lion all alone on a rock. Reuben was quick to point out this was the effects of to much tequila.

Following the water taxi ride, we returned to the ship and said goodbye to Cabo San Lucas. Next up Mazatlan.

Sunday Funnies

2010-01-09T17:33:00.004-07:00

There was a little church out in the country. It was painted white and had a high steeple.

One day, the pastor noticed the church needed painting. He went into town, bought one gallon of white paint, and started to task of painting the church.

Finishing the first side, he noticed he had already used half gallon of paint. Not wanting to go back into town he looked in an old shed and found a gallon of paint thinner. He filled up the paint can with as much thinner as it would hold and continued painting the church.

It worked out great. He finished the remaining three sides with that last half gallon of paint.

That night, it rained hard. The next morning the pastor stepped outside of the parsonage to admire his work and noticed the first side of the church he painted looked great but the paint on the other three sides had washed away.

The pastor looked up in sky in anguish and cried out, "What shall I do?"

A voice from heavens came booming back, "Repaint, and thin no more!"

Cabo San Lucas - Part One

2010-01-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

I’ve decided that for the next couple of weeks I’ll bore you with some details, stories, and pictures of our cruise. I took over a thousands pictures on the trip. You have to love digital cameras.

The first port we stopped in was Cabo San Lucas. It’s a town of approximately 40,000 people most of which are retired. The town has two main industries – tourism and fishing. Cabo San Lucas is known for marlin fishing.

Five cruise lines stop at Cabo but there is no pier where ships can dock because of the shallow water. Once the ship stops, they bring out the floating pier.

People walk off the ship onto the floating pier then climb aboard a water tender, which takes you to shore.

There were over four thousand people on the ship, most of them wanting to go ashore. All the boats in this picture are water tenders getting ready to transport people. On the return trip I asked the tender captain how long it took to get everyone off the ship. He said it took less than forty-five minutes.

We knew very little about any of the places we stopped so we signed up for an excursion at each port. Each excursion took us to places we most likely would not have found on our own and the guides (here the lady in yellow) told us some interesting facts and tidbits about the area.

Every excursion stopped at a local church. It was interesting that the churches were open and no matter the time of day, people were inside worshipping and praying. This is the Parish of San Lucas, originally built in the 1730’s

Then we were taken to town center, the place where people gathered. There we were treated to homemade fruit popsicles. They were actually quite tasty. This is a picture of one of the tree sculptures in town center. I call it - the ultimate tree house.

We stopped at Mi Casa, an open-air restaurant, for chips, salsa, and what else – tequila. Here’s Char drinking tequila with salt and lime. The sample sizes are quite small, which was fine with us. Also, if you buy beer anywhere it comes in six-ounce bottles.

The final stop on our excursion was Cabo Wabo. This restaurant/bar was started by rock musician Sammy Hagar of Van Halen fame. Supposedly, Hagar named it that after watching a man stagger along the beach after a night of heavy drinking. Pictured with us is a couple we meet on the excursion, Dyle and Deb. They were also from Colorado.

All the excursions lasted between three and four hours leaving plenty of time to venture out on your own. While we walked most of the time, it was nice to know you had the option of taking a taxi.

The four of us decided to stop at Taco Loco for a bite to eat. I really wanted the Mexican Combo but not for $114. We decided to split the four taco deal – it was only $75. Okay, okay . . . the prices are in pesos and we weren’t very hungry. We got four tacos and two beers for $5.80. The tacos are served plain - just meat on a tortilla. Dyle and I went to the condiment area and doctored them up with some chili and lettuce. Something to remember if you go to Cabo San Lucas is the chili is opposite of that we have here. At home, the green chili is usually hot; there it’s mild and quite flavorful. In Cabo, the red chili is hot - really hot. Char is convinced it blistered the inside of her mouth.

Next up – adventures in the water taxi.