Thursday, October 30, 2008

Char Versus Sarah

The political races in Colorado are heating up. Nothing is as hot as the feud between Char and Sarah Palin. And, as fate would have it, I somehow ended up in the middle.

Earlier this week Char came home and hit the button on the answering machine. An all too familiar message was there, “Hi, this is Governor Sarah Palin. . . .” Char threw her arms up in the air while exclaiming in a rather loud voice, “She calls every day!”

Trying to defuse the situation I interjected, “Well Char you need to understand a couple of things. First, it is an election year. And secondly, Sarah thinks I’m hot.”

Char gave me ‘the look’, glanced at the number on the caller ID and went upstairs. Even though she was upstairs, I could hear her quite clearly. “You people call here everyday. We have voted. Don’t call us again!” This was followed by some mumbling which I assume was Char telling them to let Sarah know I am happily married and to quit stocking me.

Sarah called twice the following day. Out of respect for Char, I didn’t return her phone calls.

Monday, October 27, 2008

The Lunch Box - Part Two

“Ralph come look at this,” Char said from a different room. “What is it?” I snapped back. I wasn’t in one of my better moods.

“Just come here a minute” Char replied.

I sat the box down and headed to where she was. As soon as I saw her, I snapped out, “What?”

Smiling she said, “This was your Grandpa’s lunch box.” I stared at it for a minute trying to act nonchalant. Then I saw the bottom of the lunch box and immediately knew it was ‘the one’. Many times, I had shuffled and rummaged through sandwich wrappers, banana peels and apple cores looking for the bottom of that lunch box and the surprise it held. I knew the bottom of that lunch box on sight. I wrote about the lunch box before, the story is located here.

“I’m taking this,” I said to my brother and sister. They looked at me as if I were nuts. One of them showed me where the others were. There were three black metal lunch boxes all belonging to my Grandpa. I took all three but I knew ‘the one’.

Back home, I went to the garage to clean the lunch boxes. I saved ‘the one’ until last. I knew the lunch box was empty - I had already looked inside. Yet, there I sat, a man in his fifties, holding the lunch box of a man who had passed away thirty-nine years ago, wondering what I would find inside.

I slowly opened the lunch box and reached inside. I found the surprise – memories.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Sunday Funnies

You May Not Be Reading Your Bible Enough If . . .

. . . you open your Bible to the Gospel of Luke and a WWII Savings Bond falls out.
. . . your favorite Old Testament Patriarch is Hercules.
. . . you’re frustrated because Charlton Heston isn't listed in either the concordance or the Table of Contents.
. . . you think the Minor Prophets worked in the quarries.
. . . you think Abraham, Isaac & Jacob had several hit songs during the 60's.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Potato Economics

Have you ever walked through a store and seen something that made you stop and say, “What the. . .”? It happened to me (again).

These russet potatoes have been pre-washed, wrapped in plastic, and are ready for the microwave.

They cost $1.79 each! They are located right next to the five-pound bags of russet potatoes that sell for $2.29. I’m no math whiz but it seems to me that you could buy the five-pound bag, spend a few minutes washing them yourself, and save a lot of money. The produce manager told me they can hardly keep the ‘ready to cook’ $1.79 ones in stock.

Then he said, “The $1.79 potatoes are really popular with people trying to fix our economy.”

Okay, I made that last sentence up.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Farm Help

I recently returned from the Morrow farm. I went to help Cliff with the harvest. Fortunately for Cliff, the weather didn’t cooperate so I couldn’t break anything and we had to go to plan B. Plan B consisted of good meals, good stories, a good visit, and attending a meeting with Cliff. I have to admit I have a new respect for what Cliff does in his elected position. He is quite good at it. Cliff is the ONLY politician I like this year.

Plan B also consisted of getting some help from Cliff and Marilyn. They took me shopping in Omaha. I was looking for a new smoker. My old one died after 30 years or so. They helped me select a new one that was just slightly out my price range (I always want to pay less). The John Deere green smoker made its way back to Colorado.

Since its arrival some okay salmon was smoked and an exceptional beef brisket. The salmon would have been great except the smoke master (me) left the temperature higher than it should have been while playing with the digital controls. The salmon dried out more than I care for but still had a great flavor.

Thanks to the Morrow’s for yet another great visit.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Sunday Funnies

Humor or truth? You decide.

While walking down the street a US senator is hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, there is a problem. We seldom see a high official so we're not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the senator.

“Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from on high. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.

“I'm sorry, but we have our rules.”

St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, a friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before long the Senator is told his twenty-four hours are up and he will have to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door opens to heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. Now it's time to visit heaven.

Twenty-four hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven is delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don't understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning....then you voted.”

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Sunday Funnies

Once upon a time, there was a $50 bill and a $1 bill laying side by side on the conveyor belt at the Federal Reserve Building. The $1 bill said to the $50 bill, "Hey man, where have you been? I haven't seen you in a long time."

The $50 bill replied, "I’ve been having a ball! I've been traveling to distant countries, gone to the finest restaurants, to the biggest and best casinos, the mall uptown, the mall downtown, and the mall across town. I've been to Europe, a professional NBA game, the all day retreat spa, and the new casino! I have done it all!"

After describing his travels, the $50 bill asked the $1 bill, "What about you? Where have you been?"

The $1 bill replied, "Well, I've been to the Baptist church, the Methodist church, the Presbyterian church, the Episcopalian church the Church of God, the Catholic church, the Mormon church, the Disciple of Christ church, the... "

“Wait a minute! Wait a minute!” shouted the $50 bill, “What’s a church?"

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

I Voted

I have voted in the 2008 election. We use mail in ballots.

Since I have voted, they can stop with the junk mail, phone calls, and television commercials. My ballot has been cast. My mind cannot be changed.

This year’s Presidential election reminds me of buying spaghetti sauce. There are sixteen parties with Presidential candidates. You have the two main ones, Prego and Ragu. But, you also have choices with the Constitution, Libertarian, Green, HeartQuake ’08, Prohibition, Socialist Workers, Boston Tea, America’s Independent, Socialism and Liberation, U.S. Pacifist, Unaffiliated, Socialist USA, another Unaffiliated, and the Objectivist parties.

Surprisingly there is no place to write in a candidate. Otherwise, the Morrow – Campbell team who are running on the Forest and Farm ticket would have gotten my vote. I like their platform, “Harvesting the Past, Planting for the Future.”

Monday, October 06, 2008


Water puddles usually don’t get me too excited.
But after spending hour’s water proofing the deck, I was really happy to see these puddles this morning.
The water proofing worked, now if I just get my knees to recover.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

Sunday Funnies

Dear God,
Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works for me and my brother.

Dear God,
I didn't think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset you made on Tuesday. That was cool!

Dear God,
If you watch me in church on Sunday, I'll show you my new shoes.

Dear God,
Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?

Dear God,
Thank you for my baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.

Friday, October 03, 2008

Weekly Insight

I took two mornings off this week and spent eleven hours on my knees water proofing the deck. Later in the week, I spent five hours sitting through a boring meeting.

Insight: No matter what you do, some body part is going to get sore.