Sunday, June 27, 2010

Sunday Funnies

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.”

(Thanks to Rachel)

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Sunday Funnies

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it. God says no and explains that she has another 30 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change the color of her hair. She figures since she's got another 30 years she might as well make the most of it.

Walking out of the hospital after her last operation she is hit and killed by a speeding ambulance. She arrives in front of God and complains, "I thought you said I had another 30 years."

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Strawberry Sweatcake

I teach a cooking class at a nursing home. Actually, I don’t teach anything. I go in tell them a story or two, show them how I make something and then they eat. The activity director told me that is the only time some of these people laugh all week. I doubt if that is true but I do know they like to eat.

Monday, I was walking down the hall heading towards the activity room when I noticed how hot it was. I was hoping it was just the hallway but soon discovered it wasn’t. The activity room was like a furnace.

My helpers started rearranging the room. I usually have one helper but today I had two. Lindsey, the lady who had helped me for the past two months was leaving and the lady who was replacing her was there. I started arranging things on the table and one the residents said, “Ralph, were making strawberry shortcake, right?” Yes, today was strawberry shortcake day with homemade shortcake. I had talked to Marilyn and gotten her recipe for homemade shortcake. It’s quick, it’s easy, and most importantly it is really, really good.

We did an activity they had all been looking forward to. We made a cookbook with all the recipes we had prepared over the past two months. Pictures of the cooking class were on the front and back cover and many people got excited when they found themselves in the pictures. Then it was time to make the strawberry shortcake. I took out all the ingredients while explaining who Marilyn was, when I first had the shortcake, and why I thought it was so good. Then I asked Karen, my new helper, to come over and the following conversation took place:

Ralph: Could you get me a towel?

Karen: What kind?

Ralph: Either a hand towel or a bath towel it doesn’t matter as long as it is clean.

Karen: Did you spill something?

Ralph: No. Look around this room. Half these people are wearing either a sweater or a jacket. I have sweat running off my forearms, dripping off my face, and going down my neck. It’s hot in here.

She agreed to get me one. That’s when I said, “You might want to get three; one for me, one for you and one for Lindsey. We’re not making strawberry sweatcake here.” She giggled and soon reappeared with three hand towels. After sopping up the excess moisture on my face and arms we went through the process of how to make homemade shortcake. Then, like ever week, whatever we were making magically appeared.

We cut the shortcake, placed a piece on all the plates, and topped it with sweetened strawberries and a scoop of whip cream. I placed a plate in front of an 86 year old lady while telling the residents, “I know we all like strawberries and we all like whipped cream. But, tell me what you think of that shortcake.”

That’s when I heard the comment of the day. The eighty-six year old lady took a bite of the shortcake, smiled, and said, “That tastes just like the short cake my Momma use to make. I miss my Momma.”

Walking outside I noticed how cool it was. It was like a cold front had passed through. I went to the weather station and discovered it was eighty-one degrees with fifty-five percent humidity. Normally, that would be hot for this time of year but today it felt good. But, not as good as the memories stirred up by that shortcake.

Saturday, June 05, 2010

Sunday Funnies

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for a week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?”

Timmy nonchalantly replied, ”Yeah, I know who she is.”

The little girl said, “Well, who is she?”

“That's Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy replied, “and her daughter Marcy.”

“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”

“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!”

(Thanks to Rachel)