Saturday, January 27, 2007

Urban Legend

I know I have been writing a lot about snow lately, and I am sorry. I promise you this, I will quit when the snow does. Right now, I'm taking this as personal challenge to outlast those sparkling little white flakes – they have such an attitude!

Friends in Nebraska namely Cliff and Marilyn, and their friends Jim and Frances revealed to me an urban legend I was unaware of. In case you are not familiar with urban legends, they are modern day folklore consisting of stories passed around by word of mouth, the printed page, and the internet. Some are true some are not. You be the judge.

Recently an urban legend surfaced in Denver. The scary thing about this legend, at least for me, was some of the names. Supposedly, a journal was uncovered following a recent snowstorm. It may be true, maybe its not, but I can relate to what was written in the pages of . . .

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8: It started to snow. The first snow of the season. Char and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Shoveling the snow made me feel like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. Char wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt in the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. Char laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. Man, I hate it when she's right. I can’t believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the white stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower, and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas, because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt 'til August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel, and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel! Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow on his truck, for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think he is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today, and it warmed up to "0". Char wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the driver of that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over everywhere I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow driver.

December 25: Merry F!=3D@x@!x!x1 Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. Man, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life” one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30, and the pipes froze. Plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him; he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in.

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver. He is now suing me for a million dollars; not for only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his butt. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
: I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


Blogger Mike ( ex scientia, veritas ) said...

Ralph, Have you been reading the Donner Party Logs?

2:50 PM  
Blogger Rachel said...

Oh Ralph!! Stop it!! I happen to have pleurisy (chest hurts when I breath, sneeze, laugh), right now and making me laugh just makes it hurt all the worse!! I really suffered badly when I read #22!!
I do mean BADLY!!! Too funny!!!

7:37 PM  
Blogger Miki said...

Ralph, you are truly one of a kind! I hope that this urban legend doesn't take off, someone may be arrested for arson or worse! I am still giggling!

7:11 AM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

ROFL!!!! Hilarious post Ralph! Take the wife on a cruise or Florida vacation... or would Hawaii be better?

8:15 AM  
Blogger Cathy said...

I don't know about Florida. You might get there and bring the freezing temps.

11:53 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

That's great! I love how it all started out so nicety-nice and slowly got worse.
The part about undressing in order to pee cracked me up. It's true that it's such a chore to remove all those layers of clothing. I'm so glad we haven't had to deal with snow. I hope it stays away for the whole winter. So far, so good.

12:59 PM  
Blogger Raggedy said...

I read the Diary of a Snow Shoveler a few years back. I had forgotton about it. I remembered it when I starting reading it. I went and checked my copy of it. Ummm there is no Jaunuray 8 entry on mine. Did you add that? Are you taking pills now? How can you post all tied up like that?

Have a wonderful day!
(=':'=) hugs
(")_ (")Š from
the Cool Raggedy one

1:30 PM  
Blogger Jim said...

Ralph, I believe you stretched things just a little. Or maybe I was in Louisianna when your roof fell in. I'll go back and check.
This might be the only record of the urban legend, you might ought to see if the Denver Post wants to keep it in a time capsule for a future generation.

7:37 PM  
Blogger Cliff Morrow said...

Good job my friend.

8:00 PM  
Blogger nora said...

I love it!

5:02 PM  
Anonymous DWQ Online said...

This is too freaking funny. I love it.

6:38 PM  
Blogger Rhodent said...

We are getting a bit colder tonight... although it probably seems like shorts weather to you... in the 30's. I have another fire in the fireplace and am enjoying every minute of it!

Come summertime you will be happy to be where you are, and I will be wishing to be where YOU are!

9:09 PM  
Blogger Dan said...

Urban legends sometimes surface like that because people like to believe that there is someone that crazy out there.

7:01 AM  
Blogger Christa said...

Haha! This is fabulous Ralph! I know Greg can relate. Between the snowplow continuing to bury the driveway and the gale-force winds on the prarie that continues to bury the driveway and sidewalk. . .he wants to turn our 250,000 BTU garage heater on these large snowbanks and declare war - who cares how much kerosene costs?!?!

4:16 PM  
Blogger Christa said...

Haha! This is fabulous Ralph! I know Greg can relate. Between the snowplow continuing to bury the driveway and the gale-force winds on the prarie that continues to bury the driveway and sidewalk. . .he wants to turn our 250,000 BTU garage heater on these large snowbanks and declare war - who cares how much kerosene costs?!?!

4:17 PM  

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