Saturday, May 31, 2008

Sunday Funnies

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement. When his plane arrived, there was a limousine there to transport him home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

"You know," he said, "I am 87 years old and I’ve never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?"

The driver said, "No problem. Have at it."

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 MPH zone. The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself, went back to his car, and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, “I know we are supposed to enforce the law... But I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person."

The supervisor asked, “Is it the governor?"

The young trooper said, "No, he's more important than that."

The supervisor said, "Oh, so it's the president."

The young trooper said, 'No, he's even more important than that.'

The supervisor finally asked, "Well then, who is it?"

The young trooper said, "I think it's Jesus, because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!"

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Where's Ralph ??

He is in the other room working on the blog book.

Thanks to everyone who got their stuff in. If you haven't yet - drop him an e-mail.

Saturday, May 24, 2008

Sunday Funnies

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Presbyterian church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

“That's a good idea,"replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a PRESBYTERIAN !!!”

(Thanks to Old Blue)

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Avoid "Classic"

Earlier this week while passing through a town, I decided it was time for breakfast. Looking around there was a McDonald’s – most towns have a least one. There was a Mexican place offering breakfast burritos and a locally owned Deli and Bistro.

The Deli and Bistro only had four items on their breakfast menu. I decided to go with the Classic Breakfast Wrap, which was described as “a culinary blend of eggs, sausage, and herbs”.

It came in a green tortilla that was a little alarming, but the classic wrap had a nice aroma. I took the first bite and within seconds was spitting it out while muttering, “What the @#$%.”

The bad taste lingered even after several healthy gulps of ice tea. I stared at the classic breakfast wrap trying to recall the last time I had put anything that bad in my mouth.

Rarely do I send food back in restaurants. But this was bad – really, really bad. I took it back to the counter and told the waitress I didn’t care for it at all and would like my money back. She looked shocked while explaining the classic wrap was their most popular breakfast item. With the bad taste still lingering in my mouth I replied, in a nice way, I was glad but I wanted my money back.

As she was refunding my money I asked her what was in it. She said it was eggs scrambled with sausage and roasted sun dried tomatoes, topped with a creamy pesto sauce served in a spinach tortilla. She then got a little defensive while stating most people just love it, absolutely love it. I pocketed my money and left.

Cliff and I were talking later that night and I told him about this culinary marvel. When he quit laughing, which took awhile, he told me I should have been tipped off by the word classic. He said there is no such thing as “classic” food.

I think he’s right. From now on, I’m sticking with the “basic” breakfast.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Ralph On Fire - The Bargain

It was the middle of the afternoon and I was setting in bar in Idaho, sipping on a cold beer. The female bartender was a nice lady with long, flowing blond hair, and an enchanting smile. After fourteen days on a fire, any smile from a member of the opposite sex was enchanting. She smiled when I said, “Sure you can, it’ll be fun and nobody has to know. . . .”

Our fire crew had been on the forest fire for the past fourteen days. After fourteen days on the fire line, you got a day of R & R, rest and relaxation. The crew had been in town since mid morning. We checked into the hotel, cleaned up, and hit the town. Some crew members were in the bar, some were sleeping, and some wouldn’t be seen until the bus headed back to the fire. It didn’t matter it was a day off the fire line.

At the bar, the beer was cold and the female bartender was friendly. But, she wasn’t a push over either; she had been down this road before. She looked at me and said, “I don’t know if I should.”

“It would be a good thing to do,” I countered

She hesitated before saying, “I know but usually it’s $45.”

I smiled at her and said, “I know it’s usually $45 and well worth it. But the crew and I have been here for fourteen long days. We came from Colorado to fight that fire. Without us, this town might not be here. Without us, the entire state of Idaho might have gone up in smoke. I think you can do it for $25.”

She brushed her blond hair off her shoulder and smiled at me. “Sure you can, it’ll be fun, and nobody has to know,” I said. She came over and said, “Okay, but don’t tell anybody.”

Walking out of the bar, I was ecstatic. I had purchased a folding Old Timer knife with a sheath for only $25.

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Sunday Funnies

It was time during the Sunday morning service for the children’s sermon and all the children were invited to the front of the church.

One little girl, Susie, was wearing a particularly pretty dress. When she sat down the Pastor leaned over and said, “Susie that’s a very pretty dress. Is it your Sunday dress?”

Susie replied directly into the Pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes and Mommy says it’s hard as hell to iron.”

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

A Comparison

I don’t want to compare Denver to Sodom and Gomorrah but. . . . why were we selected to host the Democratic National Convention in August?

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Sunday Funnies

President Bush got off Airforce One in Israel and walked pass Moses, who didn't seem to even notice him.

President Bush turned to Moses and said, "I am George W. Bush, the President of the USA, the most powerful nation on earth. Why didn't you greet me?"

Moses replied, "I recognized you and I know who you are. But, honestly the last time I spoke to a bush, we starved for 40 years!"

Thursday, May 08, 2008

What Goes Around. . .

Quite a few people in our subdivision turned their sprinkling systems on, some started six weeks ago. After a freeze or two, several people spent last weekend repairing busted pipes.

I want warm weather too but I refused to turn my sprinklers on that early. A few days ago, the front lawn needed some water so I decided to do it the “old fashion” way. I drug out the hose and attached a sprinkler.

Before long, a little four-year-old neighbor girl came running over yelling, “Hi Ralph! Is that a new sprinkler? I’ve never seen one like that before!”

I generally try not to lie to four year olds. They’re old enough to handle the truth. I told her I’ve had that sprinkler for a long time (about fifteen years).

Then she did just what you would expect, she stuck her hand in the stream of water . . . and then her foot. You could tell from the glimmer in her eye she wanted to run through it. Fearing the wrath of her mother, I thought this would be a good time to send her home.

It also got me thinking about how fast things are changing, and how eventually everything comes back into style. Well. . . maybe not everything.