Sunday Funnies

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned in a pillar of salt."

His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

(Thanks to Maddie)

Merriment

I’ve been busy with an array of projects, but also felt I needed to put up a new post. It was one of those, “I don’t know what to write about” moments.

Then it hit me – one of our blogging friends is having a birthday today (1/29) and keeping it quiet. It might be because he is getting up the in years. Maybe it’s because he doesn’t want all the attention. If you get a chance, stop by and wish him happy birthday.

Expiration

This morning I was crawling along the highway in stop and go traffic. It began snowing last night and continued into the rush hour commute. The roads weren’t that bad but the wind and the snow were causing blizzard like condition along parts of the interstate.

My coffee was gone so I reached for my bottle of water. Glancing at the bottle, I noticed it was “pure artesian spring water” that was “bottled at the source”.

I also noticed it would expire on 12/02/10. That raised a question I have been trying to answer all day – what causes pure artesian spring water to expire? Only thing I’ve been able to come up with is – evaporation.

Sunday Funnies

Three little boys were concerned because they couldn't get anyone to play with them.

They decided it was because they had not been baptized and didn't go to Sunday School.

So they went to the nearest Church. But, only the Janitor was there. One little boy said, "We need to be baptized because no one will come out and play with us. Will you baptize us?"

“Sure,” said the Janitor.

He took them into the bathroom and dunked their little heads in the toilet bowl, one at a time. Then he said, “You are now baptized!”

When they got outside, one of them asked, “What religion do you think we are?”

The oldest one said, “We’re not Kathlick, because they pour the water on you. We're not Babtis, because they dunk all of you in the water. We're not Methdiss, because they just sprinkle water on you.”

The littlest one said, “Didn't you smell that water?”

They all joined in asking, “Yeah! What do you think that means?”

The littlest one said, “I think it means we're Pisscopailians.”

(Thanks to Rachel)

Home Repairs

Around the house, I’m not known as Mr. Fix-It. I learned a long time ago, and repeatedly, that home repairs can be done in a cost effective manner if we pay someone who knows what they are doing. I have the uncanny ability of turning a simple, cheap repair into a major expense.

I received the following home repair tips as part of an e-mail. I thought everyone knew these.

* You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

* If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Sunday Funnies

Dear God,
I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth

Dear God,
I think about you sometimes, even when I'm not praying.
Elliott

Dear God,
My brothers told me about being born, but it doesn't sound right.They are just kidding, aren't they?
Marsha

Dear God,
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School, we learned you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.
Donna

Dear God,
I do not think anybody could be a better God. Well I just want you to know that I am not just saying this because you are God already.
Charles

Dear God,
Of all the people who worked for you, I like Noah and David the best.
Rob

Dear God,
Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear God,
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

AccuCast

I suppose I could have done two posts. But in the interest of time, I thought it would be better to combine two of my favorite things in the whole wide world – weather forecasters and technology.

It snowed earlier this week. The weather forecast was for a ‘trace’ of snow. Waking up in the morning I turned on the news and the reporter was outside in what looked like a blizzard. The snow was heavy and to make matters worse it was blowing sideways. The reporter said the weather lady would tell us exactly how much snow to expect.

Our weather lady (not hired for her meteorological knowledge to be sure) introduced us to “AccuCast”, short for Accurate Forecasting. AccuCast is the latest in weather technology and it would tell with “pin-point” accuracy how much snow we should expect within the next twenty-four hours. She went on and on about how reliable it was, how up to date it was, and how accurate it was. Our part of town was to receive 2.1 inches of snow (notice that’s two POINT one inches). I got up, got dressed and started shoveling the five and a half inches (officially measured by yours truly) of snow off my driveway.

The following morning not one word was said during the weather report about AccuCast. To their credit, they did get closer than ever before –it did snow. In the weather world that is probably pin-point accuracy.

Sunday Funnies

This 85-year-old couple had been married almost 60 years when they died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which had a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite complete with a Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went to the championship golf course that their home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Then they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand? This is heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter replied, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Hybrid

Colorado has tried passing a law which requires all produce, meat, and fish to list the country it originated from. The law did not pass last year but was reintroduced this year. Many stores are starting to label their items in anticipation of the law passing.

I felt like barbecuing a steak the other night so picked up a nice looking top sirloin (on sale) at the local supermarket. When I got home, I noticed it was marked as coming from the USA, Canada, and Mexico.

Gives a whole new meaning to the term “Mystery Meat” – doesn’t it?

Biker Chick

Okay, I’ll admit it – I have a thing for biker chicks. Maybe it’s the thrill of the open road or perhaps the way the wind blows through their hair. I don’t know.

So, imagine my surprise when Char leaned over and gently whispered in my ear, “I really, really want a bike.” Okay, it didn’t happen like that but she did mention it in casual conversation – same thing.

Moments like these are priceless. With an anniversary, Christmas, and a birthday back to back I need all the help I can get in the gift-giving department.

Char got a water bottle and tire repair kit for Christmas. So, it only seemed right to get her a bike when we returned. We took a day and Char test rode bikes. She decided on this beauty with a handlebar bag, kickstand, and lock. We went on our first ride together in a long time.

Granted the helmet reduced the wind blowing through her hair but she is a safe good-looking biker chick.

Sunday Funnies

A poor minister was having trouble managing the church. The plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, and the air conditioning didn't work. To make matters worse the income was pitiful and there was no money for repairs.

The minister had an idea. He bought a book about hypnosis and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. Then he said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the offering plate." They did, and the church's roof was fixed that week.

The next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking out the watch, he swung it back and forth and said, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate." They did, and the air conditioning was fixed and the parking lot redone.

His third Sunday, he thought, "I haven't had a pay raise in a long time. I deserve a little more money." He started swinging his watch again, and the thought of more money got him excited. So excited that his hand started to sweat and the watch slipped from his grip as he yelled, “Crap!”

It took two weeks to air out the church.