Saturday, March 27, 2010

Sunday Funnies

Here's a few Sunday Funnies thanks to Char.

Did Noah fish?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

''No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

Unanswered prayer
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

“So, how come He doesn't?” she asked.

Say a prayer
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate and immediately started eating.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.

“I don't need to,” Johnny replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That's at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!”

Wednesday, March 24, 2010


Early this morning I discover the down side to retirement – you don’t get snow days! Schools and government offices were being closed or put on delayed start times but not me.

Walking outside this is what I saw. So I did what I knew needed to be done I started shoveling and knocking the snow of the trees and shrubs. That’s when I discovered another downside – you have way too much time to think when shoveling snow. For example, over and over on the news they kept saying “spring snow storm”. Now it might just be me but . . . the words spring and snow should not be used together. Spring means green grass, colorful flowers, plants in the garden, leaves on the trees, etc. Snow means winter. Those two words should never ever be used together.

Also, I doubt if my solar lights will be on tonight. Hard to get recharged when you have snow on your solar panel.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Party Time

I retired at the end of February. Last Saturday night was my retirement celebration. I was a little nervous going into it but have to admit I had a great time.

Tiffany and Jason flew in from Illinois. Nathan, Desiree, and the two grandkids drove in to be here. Cliff and Marilyn made the trek from Nebraska, and helped us a great deal in the days leading up to the event. Then over a 100 people from Colorado and neighboring states showed up.

The lady that coordinated it did an outstanding job. She bought a print and had it framed as a going away present. She also used that picture on the announcements and the cake.

I asked that it be a casual affair - show up when you can, leave when you must. It was. Some people stayed an hour, some for the whole thing, some stayed an hour after it was over.

I ended a great career with a great celebration. Thanks to everyone who attended.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Sunday Funnies

Here are a few Sunday Funnies thanks to Char.

Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the silence, "I think I'd throw up."

The Lord is my Shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.”

Monday, March 15, 2010


It snowed yesterday. That’s bad enough. But to make matters worse, every time I turned around there was another clock waiting to be reset.

Saturday, March 13, 2010

Sunday Funnies

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

The third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”

Maxine, who was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!”

(Thanks to Rachel)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Cell Phone Photography

Upon retiring I purchased a computer, a camera, and a cell phone. My cell phone came with a camera, a feature I did not want. But anymore it is hard to find a cell phone without one.

Last Sunday, after church, I was waiting for Char and decided to play with my cell phone. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that I had taken eighty-six pictures! They all look like this - the inside of my pocket.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

Sunday Funnies

Every Thursday afternoon, the pastor went to visit some of the elderly members of his congregation. He especially enjoyed visiting “Grandma Johnson.” That was because Grandma Johnson always had a little bowl of peanuts on her coffee table and the pastor knew that he was free to enjoy all he wanted.

“You know Grandma Johnson, I really like peanuts and I always appreciate that you share yours with me,” he told her one afternoon.

“Well, you’re more than welcome, Pastor. Take all you want. You know, since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them.”

(Thanks to Paul)

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

The Lamp

The past few weeks I spent time with the person who will be assuming my position at the forest service. I have known him for years and I am quite sure things are being left in capable hands.

Last week we were sitting in the office going through computer files, when a lady I have worked with for years walked in and asked if I had told him about the desk lamp. Now, that's a pretty odd question, even by my standards. When I said no she said I better tell him.

I said when I started in this position we were in a different building. I really liked the office but the lightening was bad. So, my first official act was to go out and buy a desk lamp. When we moved to the new building I didn't need it but brought it along anyway.

That's when I heard the rest of the story . . .

The lady went on to explain that's how I got the lamp but not what it means. She said anyone who watched me knew when I came into the office I sat everything down, walked over and turned on the lamp. At night when leaving, I would gather up what I needed, walk over an turn off the lamp.

She went on to say, "Ralph, never has used the sign out board, anyone who needs to see him never looks at it. Rather, they walk by his office to see if the lamp is on or off. If it's on they know he's in the building. If it's off they know they need to call his cell phone or send him an e-mail. Don't mess with the lamp." And with that she left.

February 26th I turned off the lamp and exited the building. There are other lamps waiting to be lit.