Sunday Funnies

At Sunday school, they were teaching how God created man and how Eve was created from one of Adam’s ribs.

The next day little Johnny’s mother saw him lying down as though he were ill and asked what was the matter. He responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I am going to have a wife.”

Thanksgiving

We have many sayings hanging on the walls throughout our home. One of my favorites is in the kitchen. I smile every time I see it.

While it’s appropriate everyday, it is especially true this time of year. It reads:

If you can’t be content with the good you’ve received,
Be Thankful for the bad you’ve escaped.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

Field Testing

Lately at work, we have slipped into crisis mode. The things we do are important and we do have our fair share of crises but lately we have been treating routine business as if it were a crisis. Inspired by an e-mail, I developed a list of seventeen ‘concepts’ to help snap us out of the mock crisis mode. Concepts are good but they need to be proven. So, I decided to ‘field test’ some of them. Here are the results.

When the receptionist is in an unnecessary crisis mood – Using your office phone call the receptionist and ask for yourself, don’t disguise your voice. My test went like this:

Me: Yes, is Ralph in?
Receptionist: He is but he’s on the phone would like his voice mail?
Me: No.
Receptionist (after a long pause): Well. . .would you like me to give him a message?
Me: No.
Receptionist (another long pause): Well. . . .Sir, how can I help you?
Me: I want to speak to Ralph.
Receptionist (after an extremely long pause): Ralph is that you?

I started laughing and the phone went dead. She was in my office in a matter of seconds laughing uncontrollably. For the rest of the day every time I walked by her desk she started chuckling.

One that works well at ‘emergency’ meetings is - Finish all your comments with the phrase, “So let it be written, so let it be done.” It was a line used by Pharaoh in the movie the Ten Commandments.

Now the key to this one is two-fold. First, you must have a comment about everything; this is not the time to be silent. Secondly, you need to be patient. It starts with a chuckle or two and continues to build until there are only one or two people in the room who don’t get it. Finally someone will break down and say, “What the @#$% are you talking about?” The entire room will bursts out laughing. That’s a good time for a break.

I’ll keep you posted on future field tests.

Sunday Funnies

A Minister was walking down the street when he came upon a group of boys surrounding a dog. All the boys were between the ages of ten and twelve.

Concerned the boys might be hurting the dog, he asked, "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is the old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whoever can tell the biggest lie gets to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was shocked. “You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. As the reverend was beginning to think he had gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

November

Most of you probably know of my deep love for snow and cold weather. I especially like it when I can use my ergonomically designed snow shovel non-stop. Well, I have some good news!

Ice.
I got to spend thirty minutes scrapping a quarter inch of ice off my car windows this morning.

I guess I shouldn’t complain too much. After all, it is November and yesterday the temperature was in the 70’s.

Before Blogstock

We never shared this story at Blogstock but now it’s time.

Cliff and I had to make a run into Iowa to pick up some items for Blogstock. I was driving and for the first time in my life, I was speeding. Suddenly, in the rear view mirror, I saw the state trooper with his lights flashing. I pulled over.

The trooper walked up to my side of the van, and smacked me across the face. Stunned, I asked, ''Why did you do that?''

The trooper responds, ''You're in Iowa now, you have that license out and ready around here!''

Startled I replied. ''I apologize sir, I'm not from around here.''

The trooper then walks to the passenger side of the car, and tapped on the window. Cliff rolled down the window and the trooper smacks him across the face.

''What was that for?'' asked Cliff.

''I know your kind,'' said the trooper, “About two miles down the road you would look at your buddy and say, ‘I wish he would have tried that crap with me!’”

Okay, that’s a joke.

Fall

Today it got up to 70 degrees and I seriously considered turning the sprinklers back on. I decided against it.

But, this was last Friday morning. . . .
This is what I woke up to. The weather people say we got less than an inch. I considered it a major winter snowstorm.

Sunday Funnies

Little Nancy was in the garden standing over a hole she had dug. Her hands were clasped and her head was bowed as she said a prayer.

Interested in what the little girl was doing the neighbor politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

Grouchy

When the alarm went off this morning, I was grouchy. I had to get back to ‘real life’.

Char and I had spent the last few days celebrating our 30th wedding anniversary. I’ve aged a little since we were married, Char is as cute as ever. Yesterday, the 11th, was the official day. We spent the day shopping (yes, shopping). I got Char a couple of presents because the minute I saw them they represented certain things about our thirty years together. That and the fact, she deserves them and a lot more for putting up with me throughout the years.

Our trip started Saturday when I met Char in Glenwood Springs. She was there on a school trip. We took the afternoon and drove around exploring the sights and looking at places Char had spent time at as a kid. One of our stops was the town of Carbondale where I took this picture of Mt. Sopris.

On Sunday, we started to Palisade. Fifteen miles from our destination, we decided to take a 400-mile detour. We wanted to go over Grand Mesa. Before long, we were on another detour to the town of Collbran to see the Women’s Veteran Memorial. This picture was taken on the road to Collbran.

This is the view at the top of Grand Mesa. It doesn’t do justice to the majestic view you have up there. Grand Mesa is known as the 'largest flattop mountain in the world'. Five drainages along the mesa provide water for orchards, vineyards, farms, ranches, and towns throughout western Colorado.

This picture was taken outside of Cedaredge where we had lunch at the Ole Bakery Cafe.

From there we continued taking a detour here and there until we reached Palisade. Palisade had several bed and breakfast spots but never a hotel until September of this year, that’s when the Wine Country Inn opened. It’s a great hotel and Char was really happy about the off season rate of $89 a night, especially after hearing me say (repeatedly) the days of $89 rooms were gone forever. The view from our room overlooked one of the many vineyards in the area.

Yes, we did visit some of the vineyards and tasting rooms. We also purchased several bottles of wine. Some will be shared with family and friends.

Judging from the sign, they knew I was coming. Actually, I was in a great mood - at least until the alarm went off this morning and snapped me back to ‘real life’. But thinking about it, the past thirty years were real life.

Sunday Funnies

After church one Sunday, a young boy suddenly announced he wanted to be a minister when he grew up. His mother asked him why he had decided that.

“Well,” the boy replied, “I’ll have to go to church anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell at people than to sit still and listen.”

The Perfect Morning

I was pulled off the road, leaning against the car and sipping a cup of coffee when I took this picture. It was shortly before 7:30 and a little cool. The temperature was nearing fifty with the high for the day to be in the upper 60’s. The sky was clear and blue. The corn was nearing harvest. The barn had seen better days but was still functional. The trees and the mountain in the background just added to the morning.

I leaned against the car, took a sip of coffee, and realized it’s November! This is almost unheard of. Yes, it was the perfect morning. I also realized I was going to be late for a meeting.

Sometimes perfect mornings last just a few minutes.

Cutting the Cheese

Before beginning, I need to ask Nora to relax, take a deep breath (sorry, I really needed to say that), and read the entire post.

Sprout’s Farmers Market recently opened near us. They have a decent bakery and deli along with a good selection of meat, fish and cheese. There produce is locally grown if possible. The origin of all the produce is clearly marked.

As part of the grand opening they had a nationally recognized cheese sculptor, Sarah the Cheese Lady, do a cheese carving.

We missed seeing the carving, but did see the final product. It was carved out of a 1,050-pound block of Wisconsin Mammoth Cheddar. That cheese is selling for $4.77 a pound, which means the carving block cost over $5,000 (retail).

Okay, back to Nora. I asked what was going to happen to the carving. They are going to removed the dried exterior and donate the remaining cheese to social service organizations.

Sunday Funnies

Two priests died and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for a week, but you can't go back as priests. So what else would you like to be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest thinks for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count'?"

"No, the computer's down there is no way to keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I want to be a stud."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

The computer is fixed and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" asks the Lord.

"The first one is easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one may be difficult."

"Why?" asked the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."