Sunday Funnies

A pastor’s wife was preparing pancakes for her young sons. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their Mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"

The oldest boy turned to his younger brother and said, "You be Jesus."

So Let It Be Written

Four years, five months, and twenty-seven days ago, I put up my first post. My blog and that first post were done at the urging of Cliff. I called him when I posted it. His was the first and only comment I got. But, I kept posting and discovered some great blogging friends.

A lot has happened since then. My blog has resulted in four books, which I am very happy with. I have discovered some great blogs I enjoy reading. Blogstock ’08 was held and a good time was had by all. I have also created a list of several hundred stories, which still need to be written, and a few more book ideas I would like to see published.

It’s been an exciting four years, five months, and twenty-seven days. Then there is today. Today is my 500th post.

Sunday Funnies

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything that merits special attention?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered. "On a trip to South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and yelled, ‘Now, back off!!'”

St. Peter was impressed, "When did that happen?"

"Just a couple minutes ago..."

Golfaholic

You might remember I signed us up for a golf tournament. It was held last Saturday.

Our team consisted of our good friends, Chuck, and his wife Rol.

It was an overcast day with a strong, cool wind. Whenever someone made a bad shot, the wind was blamed. However, in all fairness, whenever someone made a great shoot the wind was given credit. Good shots (which there were plenty of) were credit to the individual golfer.

All team members, including Char. stepped up when needed. Everyone at one time or another helped carry the team to a third place finish. There were four teams. While we didn’t win the tournament I can guarantee you, no other team had as much fun as we did.

After the tournament, Char and I moved through the weekend and into the work week. That’s when it started.

Monday afternoon I was staring at my computer screen contemplating how to respond to an unreasonable e-mail request when my cell phone rang. It was Char. The conversation went like this:

Char: So, when do you think you’ll be home?
Ralph (noting the sense of urgency in her voice): I don’t know. Why?
Char: Well I was thinking if you got home early. . . we could go play golf.

That’s when I realized – its started. We played golf again Wednesday evening just confirming the seriousness of the problem.

Yes, I think Char is turning into a golfaholic. Rest assured, I will do everything within my powers and use every means possible to encourage and promote the obsession.

Sunday Funnies

After a hardy rainstorm, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the back yard puddles. Suddenly she saw the five-year-old, grab his little brother by the back of his head and shove his face into a muddy water hole.

The little brother recovered easily enough and stood laughing and dripping wet. Mom ran to the yard in a panic. Grabbing the older brother she shouted, "Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?"

"We were just playing 'church' mommy," he said. "I was baptizing him."

"What?" Mom asked.

"You know, Mommy...in the name of the Father, the Son and in the hole he goes."

(Another good one thanks to Paul)

Cool Running - Colorado Style

In 1993, the movie, ‘Cool Running’ was released. It’s based on the true story of the Jamaican bobsled team that competed in the 1988 Winter Olympics in Calgary, Alberta. They became the favorite of the fans. They did not finish because they lost control of the sled and crashed during one of their runs. After crashing, they got out of the sled and walked with it to the finish line under great applause. It’s a movie with an emphasis on, "how you play the game," and the importance of sportsmanship and determination.

We don’t do bobsleds. Rather we golf.

One morning last week while getting around for work I told Char I had signed us up for a golf tournament. She just kind of . . . . well, she glared at me.

Later that day she sent me an e-mail saying she would be late, she was going to have her first golf lesson. As the week played out, she bought a set of golf clubs, a pull cart, golf balls, tees, and a golf glove.

We went the driving range, the chipping area, and the putting green. Last night we played a par 3 course and she did really well.

The tournament is Saturday. It is a scramble. Because of her determination and “its how you play the game attitude”, I won’t be surprised if she doesn’t make a shot that greatly helps our team and turns her into a group favorite.

I’ll keep you posted.

Sunday Funnies

God was sitting in Heaven one day, when a scientist, new to heaven, approached and said, "Lord, you're not needed anymore. We scientists have finally figured out how to create life from nothing--just like you did way back in 'the beginning.' "

"Oh, really?" God replied. "Tell me about this."

"Well," the scientist started. "We can now take dirt, form it into a human likeness and breathe life into it, thus creating man--just like you did."

"That's amazing," replied God. "Would you be willing to show me?"

"Sure," said the scientist. With that he proudly bent down to the earth, scooped up two hands full of its finest soil and began to mold it.

"Whoa, there!" God said. "Hold on just a minute. Get your own dirt."

(Thanks to Paul)

Bloodletting

The ancient Greeks started the practice of bloodletting and it remained popular for nearly 2,000 years. It involved withdrawing considerable quantities of blood from a person with the belief that it would prevent a great many illnesses and diseases. The amount of blood removed was based on the patient's age, the season, the weather and the place. In the late 19th century, the practice was universally abandoned with one exception - my bathroom sink.

I was standing in front of the mirror shaving when Char said, “You look like you’re in pain.”

“I am,” I replied noticing a few nicks and cuts on my chin, “This razor is dull but I’m not going to pay $19 for eight razor blades. I’ll wait until they go on sale.”

Then Char said, “Have you thought about getting an electric razor?”

Wiping the blood from chin it occurred to me, she might be right. I went shopping for an electric razor. Those little suckers range in price from $14.98 to $224. With my vast knowledge of electric razors, it was easy to pick one. It had to be a brand name (the one with mainly Japanese writing scared me) and I wanted it to cost about the same as two packages of razor blades ($38).


There it was sitting proudly on the shelf a Norelco razor on sale for $37. What a beauty! It has ultra thin shaving heads, is waterproof, has a flip top for easy rinsing, and is rechargeable. I bought it, no more of those expensive blades for me.


The following morning Char asked how the new shaver was working. I told her the truth, “Shaving is shaving.”

Sunday Funnies

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of apples. A note on the apple tray read: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

At the end of the table was a large tray of chocolate chip cookies. One little girl wrote a note and left it next to the tray. It read, "Take all the cookies you want. God’s watching the apples."