Sunday Funnies

I have always enjoyed Rachel’s posts called Sunday Signs, some of them make you laugh, and some of them make you think. However, all of them are good.

That and the fact I received or heard about seven funny religious jokes lately has inspired me to start a Sunday post called Sunday Funnies. Each Sunday I hope to post a joke. By the way if hear of any good ones, suitable for posting, please get them to me.

I realize this idea might bother some people. But, I am convinced if anyone has a sense of humor it is God. So, here is the first of hopefully many Sunday Funnies. It’s only fitting that the first joke came from Rachel.

Which Service?

One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven-year-old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy and said quietly, 'Good morning, Alex.'

'Good morning, Pastor,' he replied, still focused on the plaque.

'Pastor, what is this?' he asked.

The pastor said, 'Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.'

Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.

Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, 'Which service? The 8:30 or the 10:45'?

Sunday Funnies

Here are a few Sunday Funnies thanks to Char.

Lot’s Wife
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot 's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mommy looked back once while she was driving,' he announced triumphantly, 'and she turned into a telephone pole!”

Moses and the Red Sea
His mother asked nine-year-old Joey what he had learned in Sunday School. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across it safely. Then he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”

“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his Mother asked.

“Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!”

Untimely Answered Prayer
During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Little Tommy's mother was horrified and pinched him into silence.

After church, she asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?”

Tommy answered soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He did!”

Sunday Funnies

Here's a few Sunday Funnies thanks to Char.

Did Noah fish?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"

''No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."

Unanswered prayer
The preacher's 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head for a moment before starting his sermon. One day, she asked him why.

“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages, “'I'm asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”

“So, how come He doesn't?” she asked.

Say a prayer
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate and immediately started eating.

“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.

“I don't need to,” Johnny replied.

“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”

“That's at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!”

Sunday Funnies

Here are a few Sunday Funnies thanks to Char.

Good Samaritan
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"

A thoughtful little girl broke the silence, "I think I'd throw up."

The Lord is my Shepherd
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible - Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.

Little Rick was excited about the task - but he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line.

On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that's all I need to know.”

Sunday Funnies

(Here are couple of Sunday Funnies – thanks to Paul)

A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar.

So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. By the time he reached the pulpit the crowd was near tears from laugher.

When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”

***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** ***** *****

One Sunday morning a young child was acting up during the morning worship service. The parents were doing their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the foyer, the little one called out loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

Sunday Funnies

(NOTE: This is not the funniest Sunday Funnies I have posted but may be one of the most truthful ones.)

A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer and he started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks, he met an elderly man. The man was sitting in the park just feeding some pigeons.

The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie.

The man gratefully accepted it and smiled at the boy. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.

Again, the man smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the man, and gave him a hug. The man gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, "What did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied, "I had lunch with God." But before his mother could respond, he added, "You know what? God's got the most beautiful smile I've ever seen."

Meanwhile, the elderly man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked," Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?"

He replied, "I ate Twinkies in the park with God." However, before his son responded, he added," You know, he's much younger than I expected."

Sunday Funnies

"Where is my Sunday paper?" the irate customer yelled into the phone when the newspaper office clerk answered.

"Ma'am?" the clerk replied, a bit confused.

"Where is my Sunday paper?" she repeated, even louder than the first time. "I only get one paper a week because it takes so long to read it! And it's not here! Can't you people do anything right!"

"Ma'am", said the newspaper employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until tomorrow - Sunday."

There was quite a long pause on the other end of the phone, followed by, “Well, that explains why no one was at church today."

Sunday Funnies

Here are some questions about church statistics. See how many you can get right.

If a church's average morning attendance is 100, how many will attend a Sunday evening service?
(Answer: About ten)

If a church's average morning attendance is 2,500, how many will attend a Sunday evening service?
(Answer: A Sunday evening what?)

Pastor Price has been at First Church for three years. Attendance has been growing at a rate of 11.3 percent annually, volunteerism is up, the budget is balanced, and the bathrooms are painted. What percentage salary increase can Pastor Price expect?
(Answer: He will be fired for painting the bathrooms without calling a congregational meeting.)

When listening to a colleague preach, what percentage of pastors are convinced they could do a better job?
(Answer: 63%. The rest aren't listening at all.)

Sunday Funnies

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.

"Hello," said the little boy

"Hi," replied the little girl.

"Where are you going?" asked the little boy.

"I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home," answered the little girl.

"I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?" asked the little boy.

"I go to the Baptist church back down the road," replied the little girl. "What about you?"

"I go to the Presbyterian church back at the top of the hill," replied the little boy.

They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.

They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.

"If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive," said the little girl.

"My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet," replied the little boy.

"I tell you what I think I'll do," said the little girl. "I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across."

“That's a good idea,"replied the little boy. "I'm going to do the same thing with my suit."

So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.

They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked, "You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a BAPTIST and a PRESBYTERIAN !!!”

(Thanks to Old Blue)

Sunday Funnies

For weeks, a six-year old boy kept telling his Sunday school teacher about the baby brother or sister they were expecting at his house.

One day the boy and his mother were talking about the new baby when the mother asked the boy if he would like to feel the unborn child. The six-year old boy laid his hand on his mother stomach and was obviously impressed, but made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the upcoming event. The Sunday school teacher finally asked, "Tommy, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I don’t know but I think Mommy ate it!"

Sunday Funnies

A poor minister was having trouble managing the church. The plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, and the air conditioning didn't work. To make matters worse the income was pitiful and there was no money for repairs.

The minister had an idea. He bought a book about hypnosis and read it from cover to cover. At the next service, he took out a watch and chain, swung it back and forth, and lulled the congregation into a hypnotic trance. Then he said, "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20 in the offering plate." They did, and the church's roof was fixed that week.

The next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking out the watch, he swung it back and forth and said, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop $100 in the offering plate." They did, and the air conditioning was fixed and the parking lot redone.

His third Sunday, he thought, "I haven't had a pay raise in a long time. I deserve a little more money." He started swinging his watch again, and the thought of more money got him excited. So excited that his hand started to sweat and the watch slipped from his grip as he yelled, “Crap!”

It took two weeks to air out the church.

Sunday Funnies

On Sunday, a new young pastor arrived at church and found only an old farmer had shown up.

After waiting a while, the disappointed pastor remarked to the old farmer, “Well, it appears no one else is coming, so we should probably cancel service today”

The farmer, dressed in his Sunday best, looked at the young preacher and said, “Well pastor, I don’t know much ’bout preachin’, but I do know something bout farmin’ and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I’d still feed ‘em”

This excited the young preacher who preached for the next 45 minutes a fierce fire and brimstone sermon. At the end of the service, the pastor asked the old farmer what he thought.

The old farmer remarked, “Well pastor, I don’t know much bout preachin’, but I do know somethin’ ’bout farmin’ and if I went out in the field and found only one cow, I wouldn’t give ‘em the whole bale.”

Sunday Funnies

It was time during the Sunday morning service for the children’s sermon and all the children were invited to the front of the church.

One little girl, Susie, was wearing a particularly pretty dress. When she sat down the Pastor leaned over and said, “Susie that’s a very pretty dress. Is it your Sunday dress?”

Susie replied directly into the Pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes and Mommy says it’s hard as hell to iron.”

Sunday Funnies

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her young daughter what the lesson was about.

The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."

Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.

He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

(Thanks to Paul)

Sunday Funnies

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. While he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure. Just go straight down this street a couple blocks and turn right."

The man thanked the boy and then said, "I'm the new Pastor in town. I'd like you to come to church on Sunday and I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied, "Aw, come on. You don't even know how to get to the Post Office."

(Thanks to Paul)

Sunday Funnies

At church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offering. One Sunday after the service, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. The priest gave Joe a questioning look and told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering. The priest again questioned him, and again he said that he did not take any of the offering. Finally, the priest said, "Get into the confessional," which Joe did.

The priest asked him if he took any of the offering. Joe said, "I can´t hear you."

Again the priest asked, "Joe, did you take any of the offering?"

Joe answered, "I can´t hear you."

This time the priest yelled, "JOE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again Joe answered, "I can’t hear you."

Now the priest was so angry he came out of the confessional and said, "Joe, trade places with me and ask me a question."

So they traded places, and Joe asked, "I heard that you and my wife are having an affair; is that true?"

The priest answered, "By golly, you can’t hear in here."

Sunday Funnies

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest in the family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."

Sunday Funnies

One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."

Sunday Funnies

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

He took out a business card and wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was collected the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, 'Genesis 3:10.'

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke out in laughter. Revelation 3:20 begins 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock.' Genesis 3:10 reads, 'I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked.'

Sunday Funnies

A man sobering up from the night before is sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nods off.

The priest has been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and is disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decides to make an example of him.

He says to his congregation, "All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand."

The whole room stands up except, of course, for the sleeping man.

Then the preacher says in a louder voice, "And those who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP!"

The weary man catching only the last part groggily stands up, only to find that he's the only one standing.

Confused and embarrassed he says, "I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones in favor of it."